No Offense, But Sumo Wrestlers Shouldn't Be Allowed To Be This Skinny
What are we even doing here? This is like if you put Bryce Young out on an NFL field with a bunch of clones of Bryce Young as his offensive line. Is this a fantasy football punishment? Is this an episode of Impractical Jokers? Is this even legal?
People don't know this about me, but I've actually been a huge sumo wrestling fan for the last hour or so. Ever since 8am on Thursday November 12, 2026, sumo has been my favorite sport. So this shit means something to me. And when I think of all the great sumo wrestlers throughout history, I think about how much they've had to earn it.
They seem impossibly large. Guys who are 400, 500+ lbs. You don't just become that large accidentally. These sick bastards needed to work for that. Do you know how much you've needed to shove down your throat to get this large? Pause.
David Madison. Getty Images.
Sankei. Getty Images.Years and years and years of cultivating mass. Gargantuan slabs of beef throwing each other around in the ring. That's what sumo is all about. The whole point is to not get shoved around out there. The easiest way to do that is to have a shit ton of body mass, and a massive center of gravity. Don't want to get pushed around? Literally become unmovable.
Besides the lack of skill and athleticism required to play at the highest level, I know that I can't play in the NBA because I am 5'8". I am extremely aware of my own physical limitations. There's a reason why basketball isn't flooded with a bunch of 5'8" trolls like myself, and that's because the average height in the NBA is 6'7". The average weight of a professional sumo wrestler is somewhere around 350 lbs. So if you only weigh 125 lbs and you want to be a sumo wrestler? Buddy, you better start crushing ice cream and cheeseburgers around the clock. Have this fella move to the Midwest for a year or so and we'll see how much weight we can pack onto that frame.
