Jessica Alba Has Been On A HEATER Recently And Once Again Must Be Investigated ASAP For Being A Potential Vampire Queen Living Amongst Us

Devlin10/22/2026 7:00 PM

Nothing too scientific about this blog but I felt compelled to jump on here and give Jessica Alba some well deserved flowers. Despite being 45 years young, she's been strutting down red carpets & beaches over the past few months looking like she never stepped out of the 2000s. By the way, that is a COMPLIMENT! Have MERCY...

And although it could just be the nostalgia boner talking here, when reflecting on the anals of history I really do think Jessica reigns above 99% of the human population. Celebrity or otherwise. When it's all said & done and our Sun inevitably explodes, I imagine the space dust that remains will still hold onto memories of her almighty power. That's the level of her ethereal Latina beauty. Which begs the question…

…Is it possible she's actually a living vampire amongst us? Hmmmmm.

I fuckin' hope so too dude.

Of course in the unlikely case she is a vampire, and does need a bag o' blood ASAP to survive… Open invite for Danny Ramirez to give me a swift punch to the gut & kindly toss me into her lair without a second thought. It would be an honor to help keep her eternal flame burning for a little longer. There are certainly worse ways to get sucked till soft. I certainly ain't a motherfucker who would try to ice-skate uphill against her.

Food for thought Jess, my immortal queen of dark angelness. Either way, thanks for the memories. RIP Hartigan.