Football Psycho – Virginia Man Arrested For Allegedly Duct Taping His Wife to a Chair in the Basement So He Could Watch Football Upstairs
I often say we throw around the "Football Guy" crown a little too liberally. A head coach shows up to practice in a hard hat one time = Football Guy. A fan rattles off the names of a few good players in the MAC = Football Guy. A fat guy has a mullet and exists = Football Guy.
Alright, I guess "HAWK" is pretty good. I like Hawk. I also liked the Tampa Bay Buccaneers special teams coach, who brought his own windsock to the game on Sunday.
But I shouldn't yuck anyone's yum. Football Guy is a harmless phrase. The phrase that actually grinds my gears is "Ball Knower" (when used unironically). Anybody who has ever, in a 100% serious manner, told someone "You don't know ball" like it's some ultimate insult, or a badge of extreme honor worn only by those who belong to an exclusive club of true Ball Knowers… all because you know about the one-point safety and a random Vanderbilt fan on Twitter doesn't… just chill out, man. The way that phrase has evolved into something more than a sarcastic bit… it irks me. I don't know why, but it makes me cringe. Maybe because I don't know ball.
That being said, do you know who IS a real football guy? Do you know who IS putting in the WORK to achieve hyper-mega-omnipotent BALL KNOWER status? Terry Fucking Ward, that's who.
Gridiron Heroics – Virginia man is facing serious criminal charges after an incident at his home allegedly took a disturbing turn while he watched football upstairs.
Terry Ward, 64, was reportedly arrested Sunday night in Richmond after police responded to a domestic disturbance. According to the account provided in the reported criminal complaint, Ward’s wife told officers that he had used tape to restrain her to a chair in the basement.
The alleged reason makes the case particularly unusual: Ward reportedly wanted to watch football upstairs.
According to the complaint as described in the report, Ward’s wife told police that she had been restrained for as long as 45 minutes. Officers allegedly observed marks and tape residue on both of her arms when they responded to the call.
I think it should go without saying that I do not condone the actions of Terry Ward. You can't tie your wife to a chair in the basement. I don't care how good the ball was on Saturday. Even if it was the final minute of Indiana-Ohio State and she was threatening to get bangs. That's not what marriage is about. It's about using your words to talk your wife out of a bad haircut in a way that makes her feel like she came to the conclusion herself, all while keeping a close eye on the game. That's the expert-level shit a black belt Football Guy is capable of. Watching football all weekend without ruining his marriage. And without his wife getting bangs.
Do you know what really throws a wrench into your football watching plans? Domestic violence. Abduction. Jail. Even intermittent confinement (i.e., time served, but only on weekends). Weekend jail is not a predicament that a committed Football Guy puts himself in. He may put himself through a divorce. He may be estranged from his daughter, and have a real atrocious set of priorities. But he'll never put himself in a situation where he misses the Birds play on Sunday.
Sorry, I don't know why I had to make that hypothetical guy a Philadelphian. I've been taking a lot of shots at Philly in my blogs lately. For no reason at all. That one just felt really right. The man who actually duct taped his wife to a chair so he could watch football lives in Richmond, Virginia. So chances are he's a Commanders fan… who will NEVER stop calling them the R**skins.
Turns out there are a lot of bad Football People in the world. Terry Ward's alleged love of the game has now got him facing felony abduction and misdemeanor assault. Which might end up being a little more than local jail on the weekends.