BREAKING: Sydney Sweeney IS Officially Related To Marilyn Monroe After All? Holy Ancestral Warlocks Batman, LET’S INVESTIGATE!

Devlin10/08/2026 5:15 PM

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Folks HUGE news just came across my desk and it is the absolute epitome of bananaland reality. Apparently Sydney Sweeney & Marilyn Monroe are related after all? Guess all those years of wishful thinking finally paid off. Great work, Weird Science nerd shamans.

Although really shouldn’t be that big a surprise after seeing how similar their pictures look together. Somehow… Warlock life found a way. And thank The Maker for that huh?

The resemblance really is downright uncanny!

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Random sidenote, what do you think their version of "have MERCY!" was in the 1950s? Maybe something like "gee willickers, put that ankle away ya daft floozy. Now scram!"

Anyway, salute to our very own Sales Guy for sending me this smoking hot smut tip. He just earned himself an $50 Barstool Store gift card with interest (1 free Pardon My Cheesesteak). It will be in the mail my friend. And as far as the nitty gritty of those ancestral details go, here are those if inexplicably interested in reading more words.

(SOURCES) - Sydney and Marilyn are ninth cousins, once removed according to a new study conducted by MyHeritage… Family trees actually connect through a shared ancestor from the 1600s. Sydney's father, Steven Sweeney, and Marilyn's father, Charles Stanley Gifford, are both descendants of Ezra Perry … an early settler in Sandwich, Massachusetts who died in 1689.

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Fascinating stuff. Makes it even more confusing why the powers that be didn't cast Syd in the Marilyn biopic a few years ago. No offense to Ana de Armas of course. She did her darnedest.

But not much else to add here. The most important thing to remember is putting some goddamn RESPECT on Sydney Sweeney's name moving forward. Stop being so insanely jealous of her beauty, brains, & massive success ladies. She IS Hollywood royalty. She is our one true queen. Now, then, FOREVER. Take a billion seats if you think otherwise.