Are We Just Going to Ignore the Fact Gisele Dumped Tom Brady Because Astrology Told Her To?

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For a while in my time working for the MA Trial Court, I was assigned to Probate Court. More commonly thought of as Divorce Court, though it handles a lot of other matters like estates. And in the best of moments, adoptions. But mostly you saw people suffering through the worst ordeals of their lives. (As an aside, I would often call my sainted mother on the landline on my desk in the middle of the proceedings to tell her I loved her and never realized how good I had it. And I can do a spot-on impression of her saying, "What's wrong with you?! You sound like you're going crazy!") Though as one judge used to put it every time he issued the order that finalized the divorce, "You're no longer husband and wife. But you will always be parents. Never lose sight of that." Which I always thought was a great punctuation mark to put at the end of a long, terrible passage in everyone's life. 

Which I mention as a way of saying that ever couple who splits up ought to do what they can to leave the past behind, not to re-litigate what went wrong, and move on the best they can.

I say this just before I re-open the case of Bundchen vs. Brady, in light of new information that's coming out: 

Page Six - Tom Brady made a last-ditch, 11-day attempt to save his crumbling marriage to Gisele Bündchen just months before they divorced, according to a new book.

The NFL legend was excused from the Tampa Bay Buccaneers’ 2022 training camp to jet off to a private resort in the Bahamas to meet with his then-wife as their 13-year marriage hung by a thread.

“I’ve got to take care of some personal things,” Brady, 49, told coach Clyde Christensen, according to the upcoming biography,  “Brady: An American Story and the Price of Greatness,” via The Daily Mail.

“Tom didn’t know what the heck was going on,” an assistant coach recalled. “And we didn’t know if he was ever coming back.”

When Brady returned to Tampa 11 days later, Christensen said it was apparent the getaway had failed to repair the couple’s fractured relationship.

“Tom was an empty shell of who he was when he got back,” Christensen said. “There was no joy. Everything was hard work.”

Brady also appeared alarmingly thin during the tumultuous period, with Anderson reporting that some coaches and teammates privately remarked that he looked like a cancer patient.

After Brady led the New England Patriots to victory over the Atlanta Falcons in Super Bowl LI in 2017, Bündchen rushed onto the field and, according to Anderson, asked him, “Would now be the perfect time to retire?”

Later that day, Bundchen reportedly asked Brady again about hanging up his cleats, to which he purportedly responded, “Too bad, babe. I’m having too much fun right now.” …

She finally pulled the plug on the marriage when, according to Anderson, she consulted an astrology book. 

“One day, Gisele, who is really into astrology, basically looked into the stars and told Tom, ‘We’re not compatible,’” an insider close to Brady told Lars Anderson. “And just like that she was done.”

Astrology. She realized they were not compatible because of astrology. I'm not talking about the little pseudoscience where the sun was in some constellation or other when she was born, so therefore she's supposed to have some particular personality traits or whatever. Hell, I remember when you'd check the newspaper to see harmless pablum like, "Today is going to be a good day to make that decision you've been putting off." The legendary Boston rock station WBCN used to do a daily segment with Darrell Martinie, The Cosmic Muffin. (On a side note, a girl on my street was dating a guy named Darryl Puccini, whom we called "The Cosmic Muffdiver.") And it was just a fun, entertaining, throwaway radio segment if you didn't base your life on it. 

As Carl Sagan used to put it, you're personal qualities aren't determined by the gravitational effect of some distant stars when you come out of the womb. Because there's a greater gravitational pull given off by obstetrician than by the constellation Leo (Brady's sign).  But I don't judge. People get some value out of it. Or studying it helps them define traits in themselves. More power to ya.

Yet Gisele broke up the world's greatest celebrity couple, one that was breeding a race of genetically perfect metahumans who could have been the next great leap forward in human evolution, after consulting an astrology book. What? A crystal ball would've been too much work? She couldn't have hired a psychic? Check their biorhythms? Consulted a Magic 8-Ball? Cracked open the cookie after a nice dish of gluten-free vegetarian mapo-style silken tofu and made the most monumental decision a family can face? 

I'm somewhat amazed that we're still learning more about how this supermarriage disolved. Because I said it right from the outset. When he dipped out of training camp in 2022 for a little Force Family Fun Time at the expense of his team and was looking so drawn and frail. Gisele never got over Brady cheating on her with his first wife: Football. The only one he ever truly loved before her. 

No matter what the star charts and the moon in retrograde and all that had to say, that's the only cause of this split.

And unlike what Megyn Kelly says about how she deserved to have Brady quit football in 2022 for the sake of the kids and so Gisele could go back to modeling:

… Gisele didn't marry some ordinary working slob. She married a legend. The GOAT of his profession. If you marry Einstein when he's a Swiss patent clerk, you can expect him home every night to help with the dishes and putting the kids to bed. Some sacrifices have to be made when his work involves unlocking the mysteries of the universe. The same goes when your husband's expertise is in figuring out the Saints defense. 

Megyn also repeatedly says she has it on good authority that the image of Brady being home every night watching gamefilm then turning in at 9:30 is a myth. She implies he was going out and tearing it up until all hours of the night except right before games. If that's true, his career is even more remarkable. Because what no one denies is that he was impossible to beat to the stadium.  Legendary workout kings like Rodney Harrison could never get to the gym before him. If he was closing bars or whatever like she suggests and was still first in the building every morning, let's skip the rest of the waiting period and put him in Canton now. In fact, let's make a Man Hall of Fame and make him the first inductee. 

The bottom line is, if you want an ordinary husband for yourself and an ordinary dad for your kids, don't start a family with the world's most extraordinary man. If you do, the life you want just won't be in the stars.