Knee Jerk Reactions to Week 1: Patriots vs. Seahawks

Things to consider while wondering if having me, Hogdale and Mut together on a livecast is just too much sexiness in one place, upsetting the balance of the universe and causing the Patriots to play like trash:

--Watching in a noisy bar (GameOn at Fenway by the way, the site of many a win by my, Uncle Buck's and Soog's team "Jerry's Kids" back in the Barstool Trivia days in the 2000s; it felt good to be back on the field of victory) with headphones on, focused entirely on the game, does put you in a bit of an informational Faraday Cage. Plus I'm riding on minimal sleep, pure rage, and could stand a Pumpkin Cream Cold Brew, just to get through this drudgery. So I don't have all the stats at my disposal. But on the Uber home, X was blowing up with Drake Maye's numbers. Particularly in the 4th quarter, when all three Patriots possessions ended with interceptions, he took three sacks, there were three penalties, and a 10-3 evaporated. 

--So rather than describe the failure with data, let me instead use a parable. Because stories are the language of common folk like us. I won't use names out of respect for the dead. But there was a legendary Boston-area comedian who, at times was know to take the stage under the influence of … something. I never knew or asked, and I'm not a toxicologist. But sometimes the influence was overpowering. On one particular occasion, she was way out of it. Out there where the busses don't run. As she sat there on the stool, she kept forgetting the set ups of her jokes. Would lose track of the premise in mid-sentence. And blanked on the punchlines. To the point a friend off stage had to finish the jokes for her. Still she kept going. Then she fell silent. And then, asleep, as the audience sat there in stunned silence, not knowing what to do. As this reached maximum awkwardness, the microphone on her lap picked up the sound of a long, slow, deep, loud, wet fart. That performance was the stand up comedy verion of Drake Maye's 4th quarter last night. (RIP, lady.)

--Still, I do know this stat and it's as revealing as any. The best deep ball thrower in the NFL last year attempted four passes over 15 air yards, and went 0-for-4 with three picks. There's not a powerful enough Yankee Candle in the world you could light in the bathroom to cover up the odor of that. (Three paragraphs in and I've already bagged my limit of flatulence references. I promise to keep it highbrow from here.) And the one that didn't get picked was as bad a throw as the others. That would be the early fleaflicker on 3rd & 2 that was underthrown, but AJ Brown (more on him later, never you worry) drew the DPI on Josh Jobe to set up the Pats only touchdown. If Maye has had a worse game in his pro career, I've successfully managed to repress the memory. This is one where Mike Vrabel should show his team the film once. Download the file to a thumbdrive. Put it in a microwave until it sparks and melts. Have a crew in Hazmat suits take it out to a decommissioned nuclear plant. Burn it. Collect the ashes. Place them in a toxic waste container. Put it in a rocket. And fire it into the sun, so that it's particles don't get into our soil and destroy all our crops. 

--Though I'm not sure the burnt remains of last INT to Jobe wouldn't actually risk snuffing the sun out of existence. With everyone in New England satisfied to just keep running the ball, hoping for a 1st down but willing to settle for a field goal and overtime, Maye chose Hero Ball:

A decision and a throw that among the worst anyone's seen from a QB in a Patriots uniform in the 21st century. It was Mac Jones at his most damaged under Matt Patricia. It was Bailey Zappesque. Cam Newtonian. Tim Tebowish, in that one preseason he had here when I found myself questioning whether he might actually be right-handed. The sort of utter lack of situational awareness you expect in the first joint practice scrimmage of your rookie season, not the year after being the runner up MVP. Then there was the one to Julian Love, which felt familiar for some reason. That reason being, I didn't properly memory hole the last time he was gifted an INT by Maye:

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Unless I miss my guess, Love here was playing "Vision" safety. Meaning his assignment is to stay home in the deep middle, with his body angled, ignoring all the traffic patterns going around him, spy the quarterback and just react to where he's going with the ball. And there's a pattern here of Maye staring down his target, or not getting the ball out quickly, so that Seattle's Vision guys have no time to react. After all, he's had his two worst games against the same team. In back-to-back weeks, just seven months apart. And this time we can't excuse it away by saying he had no protection. I mean, it wasn't great all night, but it was good enough score more than 10 points and not lose the turnover battle to Drew fecking Lock.

--I'm not worried this is some key to beating him. I heard too many arguments that Rex Ryan or John Harbaugh or whomever had created the "template" for beating Tom Brady, only for him to drop 40 points on them the next game. What I am saying is teams will try to attack Maye the way the Seahawks have. And he needs to adapt to what's coming.

--While he's not at all to blame for Maye's unforgivable mental lapses, Josh McDaniels has a lot to answer for. Maybe a conservative gameplan was called for under the circumstances. Crowd noise. Facing a backup QB. Kicking off the rust after no one played the preseason games. I get it. But just not so conservative it should've missed the game to deliver the keynote address at the Republican Midterm Election Convention. He insisted on staying on the ground on early downs, despite the fact they were running with all the effectiveness of the Great Elephant Migration on Comm. Ave. Putting his offense into an endless series of 3rd & 7s or 8s. 

--And as others are pointing out, the McOffense has developed a tell. He's Teddy KGB, and Mack Hollins is his cookies:

You'd think that a staff that got so severely pantsed in the Super Bowl, then spent all of the offseason shoring up their O-line, backfield, and skill positions would have self-scouted such a glaring and obvious tendency. Especially after the Seahawks, to a man, said they had tip-offs that told them what was coming back in February. This too has to get cleaned up.

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--This whole game felt eerily familiar. Like the start of last season, when they faced the Raiders at home. Then too, everything felt out of sync. They kept misfiring. There were mental mistakes and turnovers. And they lost to what turned out to be the worst team in football. So Week 1 of 2025 was just a continuation of what went on through all of 2024. Even in the Dynasty years, September was a continuation of the preseason. Some of their best years started out 2-2. So I'm not overly worried this is what it's going to be like for the next few months. I'm just saying they've got their work cut out for them, and no time to waste getting it right.

--Then there was this:

I'm going to hate myself later for saying this. But I hate myself now, so why not? "Romeo Drops." 

--Hog and Mut and I kept looking for Doubs early on, and if he ever saw the field we missed him. Then Brown limped off the field, the obvious solution was to elevate your young, deep threat WR2 and let him cook. But the one time he got open, he dropped the cup and the coffee exploded all over the floor. Now we have to watch for signs his confidence, as well as Maye's in him, is already shot to hell. Worse, Brown didn't look like he was coming back any time soon. Stay tuned.

--On more positive notes, just as a palate cleanser, Hollins balled out all game. Whether it was a toss to Rhamondre Stevenson on the first possession where he was the lead block and put the corner in front on him on Heelies for a big gain. Winning the contested catches. Or him knowing where to find seams:

Hollins is something close to what they thought they were getting when they drafted N'Keal Harry. And 100 times the player Harry turned out to be.

--We got positive plays out of my last to Camp Crushes, Lan Larison had two catches, including an 11-yarder, subbing in for TreVeyon Henderson. And Eli Raridon scored the first touchdown of the NFL season:

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This was easily the proudest achievement for Notre Dame since they covered against Wisconsin and won me money. And a great call by McDaniels on 1st & goal. He went full Tank formation, with Raridon inside Hunter Henry, and Caleb Lomu and Reggie Gilliam as the tight ends on the other side. Henry ran a Post, while Raridon slid underneath him in a legal, semi-pick play. Well designed, and going against what Seattle was prepared for.

--Still, the lone scores for the Pats were set up by a DPI on an underthrown ball, and a field goal that came as a result of Maye getting hit out of bounds. Otherwise this could easily have been a shutout.

--Defensively, it was a mixed bag. And like McDaniels, Zak Kuhr will have to answer for the way he utilized his suddenly very expensive cornerback. Christian Gonzalez threw a Harry Potter Invisibility Cloak over Jaxson Smith-Njigba, just as he did in the Super Bowl. But only lined up on JSN about a third of the time:

Some are saying all 8 of those catches came against zone. Why overthink it, when you can just assign your best defender to their best receiver? At least until that receiver proves he can start winning that matchup?

--And there were just too many time when they allowed Drew Lock to make big time throws, as if he'd forgotten he's Drew Lock. (No disrespect.) The Patriots often play a variation of Tampa-2. Against 2X2 formations, the middle safety or sometimes Marcus Jones, will drop back deep and they play Quarters coverage, splitting the field into four coverage zones. Against 3X1, they play more of a Cover-3, putting four defenders over 3-man bunch. Ideally, this creates three triangles, of coverage, two outside the hashes and one in the deep middle and leaving the only open area the underneath middle, where the damage is manageable. And yet all night they repeatedly allowed Lock to hit targets where they should not have been open:

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--But truly the play that made the whole bar want to rip our eyebrows off our faces with frustration was when they corner blitzed Gonzo, leaving JSN unaccounted for:

The biggest threat you have to worry about. And yet Smith-Njigba was left so alone, that if he had a Restraining Order out against the entire Patriots secondary, no one would've been in violation. It was a disgrace. 

--As another palate cleanser, at least they appear to have found something in the 2nd round of the draft;

--This Week's Applicable Movie Quote: "Grumpy. Angry. Stupid. How long since last sleep, question?" - Rocky, Project Hail Mary

--So this where they stand. They're 0-1, though with a road loss in the other conference, in case you're predisposed to thinking about tiebreakers with Buffalo before you've even gotten to the first weekend of the NFL season. And now we get the sheer joy that can only come from waiting for the diagnosis on the ankle of the WR1 you spent all offseason trying to obtain to give your Franchise QB a talent worthy of his. Which is about as fun as waiting for lab results from your girlfriend's OB/GYN. 

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--Finally, I'm much more partial to Kevin Harlan's other Patriots-Seahawks game-ending interception call:

Still, the man is a legend. I'm sorry he had to witness this game. Hogdale, Mut and I deserve the punishment.