Tom Brady Celebrates Becoming a Leather Pants Guy at 49. This is Fine.

ANGELA WEISS. Getty Images.

"Midway upon the journey of our life,

I found myself within a forest dark, 

For the straightforward pathway had been lost."

-- Dante Alighieri, opening lines of The Inferno

What Dante (that Dante, not our Dante) is describing here is your classic example of a midlife crisis. We've all witnessed them. A man reaches a time in his personal and professional life where he's left with more yesterdays than tomorrows. When he realizes his prime is behind him. That, while he's not reaching his expiration date quite yet, he is out of warranty. And he needs to prove to himself and the world he's still got some testosterone left in the tank. 

We've seen all the cliches. Guys start dying the gray out of their hair. Maybe hit the gym. Grow a goatee. Buy a sports car. Or God forbid, a motorcycle. In worst case scenarios, they start Sugar Daddying a woman half their age. However it manifests itself, the midlife crisis is a terrible thing to behold. Way worse than going through puberty, but every bit as natural a part of life. (Your balls dropping a second time, if you will. Only much, much lower.) If it's happening to a guy you respect and care about, it can give you a full body cringe of second hand embarrassment. 

Which brings us to this guy I respect and care about:

Source - With seven Super Bowl rings, numerous all-time records, and a 17-foot-tall bronze statue outside Gillette Stadium, one might imagine Tom Brady doesn’t have much left to prove, but that doesn’t mean the 49-year-old NFL GOAT isn’t up for a new challenge. The latest of these? Sauntering down a runway in the middle of Times Square for Demna’s first cruise show at Gucci. …

GQ caught up with Brady about his first modeling gig, his workout regimen, and his newfound appreciation for leather pants. …

Was that your first time wearing leather on leather?

Yeah, I’d never really done leather on leather before, but there are some leather pants in my closet now. I thought, “Damn, that’s actually really comfortable.” I could see why people wear this. It’s definitely a different look. It felt more like a uniform—there was a rigidity and a structure to it, like my football uniform.

Giphy Images.

That last line, comparing a leather suit that's a military cap away from him being the second Village Person from the right to his football uniform, is making my hair hurt. I mean, I don't need my GOAT to be living like Ken Stabler in the 70s, thumbtacking the underpants of all his sexual conquests to the wall of his bedroom. Or Jim Kelley, going out into the wilderness to hunt big game. Brady has long had an interest in couture fashion and that runway model lifestyle. But that he's going full Zoolander on us, it's getting harder and harder to take. Especially when, as I said before:

… we no longer have the shiny objects of Lombardi Trophies and big, gaudy rings to distract us. 

I'm almost willing to accept he's right about how comfy and practical this look is. When it comes to the look and feel of leather pants, I'm afraid he has me at a disadvantage. Maybe they're the new sweatpant and we'll all be lounging around in them on a Sunday morning watching the pregame shows or something. 

Advertisement

But not at the age of 49. He's not Elvis in his Comeback Special. He's a grown man, more than halfway through life, at least according to the actuarial tables. He's also a father of three. Granted, being able to embarrass your kids is every dad's privilege. The price they have to pay for all those times they didn't help pull the trash barrels out to the curb and making you sit through all those middle school recorder concerts. But the way to do that is for you to embarrass them (preferably in front of their friends and dates), not to have them feel embarrassed for you. 

Which is exactly what the thought of him having a closet full of sexy, animal hide pants is doing to every Brady fan in existence. This is conduct unbecoming an athletic legend. And the thought of Peyton Manning wearing jeans he bought at Old Navy while our QB is dressing like he's Pacino searching for a killer in the underground club scene in the 1970s is more than we can bear. 

There's an All in the Family episode where Edith goes through menopause. Honestly, it's where I first heard of menopause. And after being as patient as he can with her mood swings and upsets, Archie finally loses it. "If you've gotta go through the 'Change of Life'," he tells her. "Then do it! You got five minutes! C'mon! CHANGE!" That's how I'm looking at this. If Brady has to go through this midlife crisis thing, then let's get it over with. And get him back to the GOAT we all knew and loved.