Today in MLS Soccer – Somebody Lost Their Baby and It Ended Up on The Field During Play

I don't have a baby, so this is probably one of those things where parents will say, "Yeah.. sure pal... just wait until you have one of your own..."

But if I do have a baby some day, my goal is for the phrase, "God damn it, where did my baby go?" to never come out of my mouth. Maybe that's a lofty goal. Maybe I'm being naive. But think that's a pretty reasonable parenting goal to have. Once my baby becomes a kid, all bets are off. Kids will get away from you in a heartbeat. Every parent briefly loses track of their kid every now and then. But you can't be losing your baby. Not at a professional sporting event. Not on the field of a play while the San Jose Earthquake are having their dicks kicked in by Minnesota United. 

Unfortunately, according to the MLS Fan Code of Conduct, that baby is now banned from attending MLS games for life. Tough break, baby.

However, when it comes to Major League Soccer, apparently babies are being lost onto the field of play all the time. Something about the electricity of the MLS captures the attention of parents as much as it invites babies to sprint onto the pitch.

The Guardian – According to the New York Times’ The Athletic, Saturday was the third time since 2021 that a child has invaded the pitch during a match.

In June 2025, during a match between DC United and the Chicago Fire, a baby made it on the pitch before being scooped up by security.

A mom in Ohio in 2021 raced on to the pitch to collect her 2-year-old son from the pitch of a game between FC Cincinnati and Orlando City FC.

God damn it, MLS fans. They can't do anything right. Their babies are spilling onto the pitch. They're embarrassing our country with abysmal mic'd up performances.

Actually… now that I think about it… the babies might be the only ones behaving like respectable soccer hooligans. Instead of punishing these babies, and scolding their parents for being negligent, maybe MLS fans should follow their lead. Invade the pitch. Run at an opposing player. Chug a bunch of milk and puke in the stands. From what I can tell, these babies are the only MLS fans showing any authentic passion for the sport. And not participating in some manufactured mic'd up nonsense. Do I need to show the video again?

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Yes it did, MLS. It did disappoint. 

MLS fans could learn a thing or two from these babies. And to the parents of these babies – get them in soccer camp immediately. Not here in the United States. Oh god no. You're going to have to move to Europe. I'm trying to see the USA win compete respectably in a World Cup some day before I die. Any American baby who's passion for the game has him running onto the field in the middle of a game, those are the kids we need to get OUT of our country, and to a place where they can actually learn how to play soccer. Then we bring them back to the United States to represent us once they have thick British accents. That's USA soccer, baby.