Blueberries Are Going To Kill You

Add them to the list. Frozen blueberries are trying to kill you. Specifically frozen blueberries from Publix. If you've enjoyed a Publix frozen blueberry in the past week, call your friends and loved ones now. It's only a matter of time before you turn into this. 

According to the FDA, this is no run of the mill frozen blueberry recall. They have upgraded their blueberry recall to the HIGHEST risk level (Class I) over potentially deadly E. coli contamination. According to the FDA, Class I recalls represent "a situation in which there is a reasonable probability that the use of, or exposure to, a violative product will cause serious adverse health consequences or death".

That's some serious paraphrasing there by Daily Mail US, but what a headline – "reasonable probability of death". My goodness. Just chill out, blueberries. 

I'm not exactly sure when it all started, but my gut tells me 2026 will be remembered as the year of diarrhea. Pun intended. Just look at this list of foods that have been recalled recently. 

- Frozen blueberries, possible E. coli contamination
- Iceberg lettuce, possible Cyclospora contamination
- Shell eggs, Salmonella contamination
- Mixed berries, possible E. coli contamination
- Pistachio nut butter, Salmonella contamination
- Green powder supplements, Salmonella contamination
- Jalapeño-containing dips, salsa and guacamole products, Salmonella contamination
- Soup kits, Listeria contamination
- Salad dressings, Salmonella contamination
- Granola, Salmonella contamination
- Dog food, Salmonella contamination
- Jalapeño peppers, Salmonella contamination
- Pizza cheese bread products, Salmonella contamination (July)
- Dried herring fish, Botulism risk (July)
- Requeson cheese, Listeria contamination (July)
- Soft ricotta cheese, Listeria contamination (July)
- Infant formula, Botulism risk (July)
- Multiple cheese varieties, Listeria contamination (July)
- Cottage cheese and ricotta products, Listeria contamination (July)
- Organic moringa capsules and powder, Salmonella contamination (July)
- Smoked whole herring, Botulism risk (June)
- Enoki mushrooms, Listeria contamination (June)
- Parmesan ranch seasoning, Salmonella contamination (June)
- Cheese and garlic croutons, Salmonella contamination (June)
- Tahina, Salmonella contamination (June)
- Specialty beverages, Salmonella contamination (June)
- Multiple green superfood supplements, Salmonella contamination (June)
- Powdered beverage mixes, Salmonella contamination (May)
- Infant formula, Bacillus cereus toxin contamination (May)
- Potato chips, Salmonella contamination (May)
- Pork rinds and seasoning products, Salmonella contamination (May)
- Snack mixes, Salmonella contamination (May)
- Sour cream and onion cheese curds, Salmonella contamination (May)
- Flavored popcorn seasoning, Salmonella contamination (May)
- Coleslaw products, microorganism growth risk (May)
- Pita chips, Salmonella contamination (May)
- Chocolate bars, Salmonella contamination (May)
- White cheddar seasoning, Salmonella contamination (May) —Kippered herring, Botulism risk (May)
- Peeled garlic, Botulism risk (April)
- Raw milk cheddar cheese, E. coli contamination (April)
- Brain tonic supplements, Botulism risk (April)
- Dried croaker fish, risk of harmful bacteria and toxins (March)
- Salmon products, Listeria contamination (March)
- Cream cheese and tofu spreads, Listeria contamination (March)
- Chicken dog treats, Salmonella contamination (March)
- Yellowfin tuna, Clostridium botulinum contamination (February)
- Organic chia seeds, Salmonella contamination (February)
- Green superfood supplements, Salmonella contamination (February)
- Tamales, potential Listeria contamination (January)
- Shrimp paste, lead contamination risk (January)
- Chocolate bars, Salmonella contamination (January)
- Sea Moss Gel Superfood, Botulism risk (January)
- Cheese products, potential Listeria contamination (January)

I found that list on Twitter, so take it with a grain of salt. Which as of now is still safe to consume. But you've seen the news. Recalls on foods have become so prevalent it's impossible to keep up. We're approaching an "if everything is contaminated, nothing is contaminated" situation. I mean… every time you eat food you're taking a risk, right? My stomach is a disaster every time I eat Skyline Chili. But I'm not going to stop. It's the price I'm willing to pay. Are the side effects of these contaminated foods really going to make me feel any worse than I do the day after an ice cream bender? How am I supposed to differentiate between "E. coli", and any Monday during football season? Am I seriously supposed to tell my wife to stop making me a whole smoked herring every Wednesday because we might come down with a little botulism? 

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That ridiculous. As of an hour ago, 12 illnesses, and 4 hospitalizations have been reported as a result of contaminated frozen blueberries. Those numbers simply can't be any worse than what properly prepared Indian food puts up on a daily basis.

I guess the only thing we can do is ignore everything and hope we don't die. I've lived my whole life that way up to this point, and I'm still going strong. Well… "strong" might be a stretch. I am writing this blog from the toilet after all.

So maybe I could stand to be a little more careful. But god damn, FDA. I'm starting to think you've got a quota to hit. Whatever. Add frozen blueberries to the list of things to clear out of your freezer. I look forward to learning what's going to kill me next.