Exploring The Best Possible Ways To Cook ET. Yes, That ET
Archive Photos. Getty Images.There's one thing that truly makes human beings what we are today. The one thing that took us from primitive beings hundreds of thousand of years ago, to now being slightly more than just primitive beings today. It separates us from the animals, and has played a critical role in pretty much every culture and society ever since.
Cooking.
Cooking is uniquely human. We are the only species on the planet that deliberately uses heat to cook our food. Cooking is so unbelievably crucial to humanity. Another thing that is crucial to humanity is fighting off any extra terrestrial threats. So what happens if both of those things coincide at the same time?
This tweet came across my desk yesterday from somebody yearning to chop up ET like some chopped brisket from a Buc-ee's. That if this fella were Elliott and found ET hiding in his shed, he'd have him out on the cutting board within 2 hours.
The only issue is that I simply don't see a way in which you could properly cook ET in that amount of time. At least not to the extent that brisket is cooked at Buc-ee's. They are cooking those briskets for at least 12-14 hours. If you were looking to cook ET to the point where all those muscle fibers and tissue start to break down and turn into the most tender bite in barbecue, you at least need to spend the entire afternoon on the smoker.
Obviously that's only if we're going the barbecue route here, which is what I was assuming when the original premise included Buc-ee's brisket. But let's say we open up ET to all different culinary practices. What could be the best possible way to cook and serve alien? I've seen plenty of incredible suggestions so far.
I'd certainly love to try. ET doesn't strike me of having a lot of tough muscle to work through. There's not a ton of meat on those bones until you get to the belly, which I'd still love to smoke and turn into bacon. But I'm sure you could butcher out a nice little filet in there somewhere.
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The more I think about it, you absolutely need to throw ET in a brine. That way you can get rid of some of that gaminess, and you can also inject as much flavor into him as possible. I'd love to know what happens to that skin, too, when you baste him. Is it going to crisp and golden up like a turkey's? I sure hope so.
The idea of having a spatchcock'd ET just laying there on the smoker has been sending me.
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Most people have come to the conclusion that you're going to need to introduce some sort of liquid component to the cook in order to prevent him from drying out. Whether it's beef stock or tallow, you're going to want ET submerged for quite a bit of time.
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Fucking disgusting.
Sous vide guy has entered the chat. They all think that evvvvvverything needs to be sous vide. Yeah, I'm sure it's great but I'm not waiting around for my food to cook in a hot tub all day long.
This actually sounds delicious and would be a perfect way to ease yourself into eating alien meat. Everything is great when it's mixed with bacon and cream cheese.
I don't care how much fresh water was wasted on creating this image. It was worth it.
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I would love to see a list of everything this fella has had in his smoker throughout his life. Something tells me that ET wouldn't even crack the top 5 weirdest meats.
Oh, and to everyone out there saying "Well actually, ET was a plant species alien"….shut up, nerds. Nobody cares. We're cooking him anyway.