Man's Electronic Blow Job Machine Brings Busy Washington D.C. Street to Screeching Halt After Police Mistake it For a Bomb

WUSA 9 — A suspicious package seen outside a Tenleytown fire station, shutting down rush hour traffic Wednesday morning, turned out to be a sex toy, D.C. Police confirmed.

The suspicious device was reported around 7 a.m. when someone saw another person putting the package in the trash can on the corner of the street. Police responded and shut down Wisconsin Avenue NW from 40th Street to Warren Street for nearly two hours.

Eventually, the device was deemed non-hazardous. And according to a police report, the device was an "electronic sex portable pump device."

You can never be too careful in Washington D.C. There's a lot of freaks and losers out there who wish to do our nation's capital harm. This man, however, was not one of them. He is not a terrorist who left a bomb in a trash can outside the Engine 20 firehouse. He was a man discretely disposing of his weird electric sex pump in the public garbage. A sex pump that was later revealed to be an electronic blow job machine.

It's a hilarious situation, really. It's something straight out of a TV show. I can't be sure what this electric sex pump guy's motives were for throwing his away in a public trash can. But I can guess. You see... this is likely a man who at one time in his life was very lonely, and very horny. Unfortunately, he had zero game. So he bought a robot to blow himself. 

But somewhere along the line, he decided he didn't need it anymore. Maybe he finally met the right woman. Maybe he upgraded to a better pump. Who's to say? Either way, he couldn't dispose of his sex toy in his kitchen trash. His wife/girlfriend/parents/roommate/kids/whoever might find it. His secret would be revealed. So when he was home alone one day, he took his old shitty blow job machine and ditched it in a trash can on the corner. And he probably looked suspicious while doing so. Have you ever walked down the street with a blow job machine? Me neither. But I bet it's one of those things where you feel like everybody knows what you're doing. So he walked briskly to the nearest public trash can, and after a brief awkward encounter with a fireman...

The report says a member of the firehouse was approached by the person who threw away the toy behind the building. Then, the person left behind what they called an unknown suspicious electronic device with wires exposed.

He throws away the device, then hustled out of there as if fleeing the scene of a crime. 

The man had seemingly got away with it. He made it home, had a big sigh of relief, and thought, "Thank god that's out of the house. Now I'll never have to worry about somebody discovering my blow job machine again.

Then he turns on CBS to see a bomb squad surrounding the fire station. There's an object in the trash can. There's exposed wires. The news thinks Washington D.C. might have another terrorist on its hands. But it's not a bomb. It's his ZOLO Blowbot. His ZOLO Blowbot has made national news. 

The Guardian – Eagle-eyed users on social media appeared to recognize the device, identifying it as a toy known as the “Zolo Blowbot” or an item similar to it. According to the Zolo company website, the toy features “adjustable suction levels” and a “drying function” for hygienic purposes. It currently sells for more than $300.

In that moment, he probably wished it was a bomb. He probably thought, "Oh please tell me an actual terrorist dropped an explosive in that trash can after me. Please blow up and kill us all. Please destroy my penis pump in the process."

But he had no such luck. It was, in fact, his electric penis pump that shut down the city for 2 hours. There was a big penis pump reveal and everything. They've it all on camera. Plus, that nosey fireman saw everything. Now the whole local fire department knows he's the neighborhood weirdo who uses a ZOLO Blowout. And it's only a matter of time before he's outed to the world. 

Luckily for him, I don't think that's happened yet. I don't believe the police are releasing his name, or the CCTV footage to the public. Thank god. That was a close call. You know it was probably some weirdo politician too. Not that there's anything wrong with owning a ZOLO Blowbot. It just really seems like the type of stupid bullshit a D.C. politician would get himself caught up in. If it is a politician, surely we'll hear the name eventually. Politicians have enemies. If there's video of one disposing of a blow job machine, you can bet your life that video will make it into an attack ad someday. 

Or maybe it's just a regular non-politician who's blow job machine had seen better days. Either way, what a heart-wrenching few hours of terror it must have been for that guy to watch it all go down. Glad everybody is ok. Remember people – never dispose of your blow job machines in public. Just bury it in the back of your closet forever and posthumously scar your children for life when they're going through your old stuff.