The Least Clutch Performance in Human History – I Can't Get Enough of This Woman Trying to Chase Down Her "Runaway" Car
LeBron James in the 2011 NBA Finals. Atlanta Falcons up 28-3 in Super Bowl LI. Greg Norman in the 96' Masters. Jean van de Velde on the 18th tee at Carnoustie. The New York Knicks when the Pacers are healthy. Aaron Judge in the postseason in any at bat that actually matters. Magic Johnson in that one NBA Finals when he just dribbled out the clock in a tie game for some reason.
Those guys have nothing on "red haired woman trying to stop idling red KIA before it nosedives into ditch". The Atlanta Falcons were up against Tom Brady. Magic Johnson was facing the '84 Celtics. Aaron Judge is facing major league pitching. LeBron James had J.J. "Clamps" Barea guarding him. Golf is hard. But this woman... she was in the clear. 10 yards from the end zone with nothing but daylight in front of her. A wide open layup in transition. A 6-inch tap in to win the U.S. Open. Her runaway KIA Soul (I'm using the term "runaway" very liberally here), was moving as slow as an object can move. The front door was unlocked. Just open it up. Hop in the front seat. Pull the emergency break. Live to fight another day.
Sadly, for this poor woman, the lights were too bright on this day. In a wide open field with zero eyes on her, she might stop that vehicle 100 times out of 100. But outside a strip mall in a vacant lot next to a not-especially-busy road... with her driverless car careening towards disaster at a brisk 1 MPH clip... with only 40 slow seconds to come up with a plan before it crashes into the ditch (or whatever that drop off leads to)... she just couldn't get it done.
It was at this moment when I really thought she had it. Her car had been slowed to a snails pace by the curb. She seemed to have fully gathered herself. She was moving at the pace of a laborious walk, still outpacing her vehicle. At this point, you could have convinced me she was simply ghost ridin' the whip.
Hell, her car was moving so slow she could have gotten in, buckled her seatbelt, lit a cigarette, then and made a u-turn and drove off without even hitting the brake. But the basic coordination required to pull off such a maneuver was not in her bag. That KIA Soul was destined to disappear out of frame, and into whatever hole it inevitably came to rest in.
The good news is, her car was moving so slow that there might not be any damage. Unless it's fully submerged in water, she can just call AAA to pull out it car and continue on with her day as if nothing happened. Maybe she'll have to get the front bumper touched up if she has the money, but I'm sure it's nothing serious. Nothing that should keep her from getting from Point A to Point B.
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Just remember to put your car in park from here on out. Unless you're looking for a shot at redemption. If you are, please send the video to tips@barstoolsports.com. If that's even still a thing. I'll be sure to give you your flowers. Thank you.