It's Always Shitty In Philadelphia: Noah Kahan Concert At Citizens Bank Park Was Derailed By Concertgoer Taking A Hellacious Dookie In Their Pants During The Show
Jason Kempin. Getty Images.There have been quite a few...distasteful moments to occur at Citizens Bank Park throughout the years. Whether you're a man being accused of intentionally vomiting on an 11-year-old girl, a woman getting drilled in the eye by a hot dog being shot out of a cannon by the Phillie Phanatic, or a kid running onto the field and getting tased by security, Philly fans have been known to get a bit raucous at the ballpark.
But as much as the Fightin' Phils get people in this city going, apparently they have nothing on Noah Kahan. Because in all the years of Phillies baseball at CBP--both the good and the bad--I can't remember hearing a story about a fan being so enthralled by the Phils game that they decided to just shit their pants in the middle of the game because they didn't want to miss a moment. Which is allegedly what happened at the Noah Kahan concert in Philly the other night.
Now admittedly, I'm not too familiar with Noah Kahan's music. I like the music that he makes, but I just don't ever really listen to it. A few songs will pop up on a playlist here and there, but I'm not actively putting on Noah Kahan. So I can't necessarily relate to being such a massive Noah Kahan fan that I'd be willing to spend the rest of the evening with literal shit in my pants just to make sure I didn't miss a single song he played.
But even if I was the biggest Noah Kahan fan on the planet, I don't think anybody in their right mind would be able to relate to that. Like I don't even think Mintzy would be willing to shit his pants at a Widespread Panic show, and he loves Widespread Panic more than most people love their family. You'd have to be such a vile and disgusting creature to pull off a move like that, and somehow it's even grosser than you would originally assume.
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It's not just shit running down this person's leg. They were actively picking it out of their ass. And now I need to buy a new computer because I just vomited all over my Macbook while typing that sentence.
WARNING - POOP WARNING.
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Now if you're Noah Kahan, how do you feel about this? Like is there a part of you that is somewhat flattered that somebody out there appreciates your music so much that they'd be willing to shit their pants just to listen to it? Or are you embarrassed that someone that heinous finds your music so appealing? Is it number 1, or is it number 2? If I had to guess, it's probably a little bit of both.
At the end of the day, I just don't really know what this says about society. The fact that people like this walk amongst us is rather unsettling. There's going to come a day when we're going to need to fight back against an AI army taking over the globe, and we have full grown adults literally shitting themselves to listen to music they play in Target. We don't stand a chance.
In the meantime, all we can really do is just sit back and enjoy the last few years of humanity we have left. No better way to do that than to sit back and listen to a little Noah Kahan. Hope you have your diapers on.