'Hair Extensions, High Heels and Botox.' Sex Scandal Mayor Gets Jailtime for Seducing Her Son's Friend at a Drunken Pool Party

As we speak, there are an expected 1.25 million foreign visitors coming to the US from overseas to see the World Cup. To them, I say a fond and hearty "Welcome to our shores." 

And to better acclimate you to America, I want to introduce you to two fundamental principles of our culture:

1. No one is above the law.

2. Sex scandals. 

Now I'll admit, other nations have dabbled in each of these doctrines. We didn't invent them. They're not explicitly spelled out in our Constitution. But we have tried to perfect them.

In the first example, we've convicted Presidents, Vice Presidents, cabinet secretaries, Senators and Congressmen of high crimes. Not to mention more celebrities have gone to jail than the rest of the world has celebrities. And we even sent national treasure Martha Stewart to prison. 

In the second, we've never gone more than a few years between major Sex Scandals. There's a through line from Thomas Jefferson making babies with Sally Hemings to JFK and Marilyn Monroe, to Bill Clinton turning an intern's dress into a drop cloth, with so much of his DNA in the fabric it would show up on his 23andMe search. And the current Commander-in-Chief paid off a porn star actress to keep quiet, except she went very, very public.

 And by no means do our Sex Scandals end at the Oval Office. (What in the 90s we called The Oral Orifice.) No, we're keeping that tradition alive in all levels of government. And I can't think of a better story to get you accustomed to our ways than to introduce you to Mayor Misty Roberts, of DeRidder, Lousiana.

… that night, you knew exactly what you were doing with his mind. He was 16," the mother of the victim said. 

"What hurt almost as much as the initial betrayal was the attempt to shift the blame onto a 16-year-old boy from a 42-year-old woman." 

Roberts' son allegedly told investigators that he saw his mother having sx with his friend before changing his story. 

Roberts’ ex-husband recently testified that she told him directly that she had sx with the teen. 

A friend of the victim said Roberts’ daughter told a group of teens that night she saw her mom and the minor making out by the pool before she was caught in the act later in the night.  

When the teen's mother allegedly asked Roberts if she could confirm she wasn't pregnant, the former mayor said that things "didn’t reach that point in those few minutes to have that concern." 

For more context:

NY Post -  Disgraced Louisiana Mayor Misty Roberts was torched by her teenage victim’s mother as she was sentenced to 90 days in jail for having sex with her son’s friend at a drunken party in 2024.

“Danger doesn’t always look like danger. Danger doesn’t always look like a man with candy or a puppy in a van or strangers we tell our kids to beware of,” the mother told Misty at her sentencing hearing Tuesday.

“This predator has hair extensions, high heels, Botox and other augmentations,” she added, choking back tears. … 

“I don’t know what category of innocence you thought you were in,” she added, also calling Misty out for initially trying to avoid blame and telling her family to “lie till you die” about what happened.

The lewd crime turned into a scene when partygoers started noticing what was going on, with Misty’s own kids catching her in the act.

A screaming match erupted, with Misty’s son yelling that she “effed” his “best friend.”

So let this be a lesson to all of you who are bringing your national pride and love of international football to America. We are a nation of deranged, drunken, bikini-clad MILFs in their 40s who are so anxious to be the "Cool Mom":

Giphy Images.

… and feel desired by the underaged friends of their children, that they'll throw their entire political careers away for a few minutes of unhinged and illegal sexual depravity. In front of a crowd of people, no less. Some of whom are family members, some of whom are constituents, and others who are still too young to vote. 

That's a part of who we are. And yet, it's still a crime, punishable by jail time, as well as court-ordered counseling and drug and alcohol testing. Which probably doesn't feel as bad for Mayor Misty as all those digs the victim's mom got in about all the "augmentations." But you certainly can't hold that against a Mother Bear protecting her cub. 

So let this be a lesson to you all. And by all means, play it safe around any and all American politicians. They're not to be trusted.