Survivor Awarded Cirie Fields, The Greatest Reality Competition Game Show Player Ever, A Lifetime Achievement Vagina

Lisa O'Connor. Shutterstock Images.

What an all-time Survivor Finale we had last night. Not that the winner, or anything that happened in the game itself was that great. But it's a finale that will go down in Survivor history. Because Jeff Probst spoiled fire making. 

Incredible. What a moment. Thoughts and prayers to any junior producers, or on-set interns who Jeff Probst may or may not have murdered following last night's show.

However, if I’m Jeff Probst, he’s got a pretty easy spin zone to go with. Last night's fire making competition was just about the most lopsided fire making competition in the history of the show. 

The editors tried to convince us Rizo might be able to make things close with their little “Rizo learns to make fire!” montage. But as soon as the fire making contest started, it was over. So by totally fucking up and spoiling the winner ahead of time, what Jeff Probst really did was add more drama and intrigue to the fire making portion of last night’s finale than the fire making competition itself ever had a chance of giving us. Well played Jeff! That’s why you're the best in the business!

But my under the radar moment of the night came early in last night’s finale during on of those “Let's kick it to Jeff Probst LIVE!” segments. Those segments provided next to nothing all night long (except for an opportunity for Jeff to spoil the show). Nobody needed the non-jury member Corona toast. Nobody needed the Rick Devens & Christian conversation, or Stephanie talking about how often people tell her she's an inspiration, or Mike White’s zoom interview. But the one segment I did enjoy was when Jeff presented Cerie Fields with an award.

I was a little pissed when they first kicked it to Jeff live in studio. I thought “God damn it… this is really what we need to be held hostage for 3 hours for?”

Then they brought Cirie out, my favorite reality competition game show player ever. The greatest reality competition game show player ever. And I got even more pissed. I thought, “Oh fuck you Jeff. Now you’re gonna use my favorite person so I can’t even complain about your live segments…”

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But then something fun happened. For all of her wonderful work on Survivor, Cirie earned herself the Spirit of Survivor Award. And you won’t believe what they gave her for it.

A pussy. They gave her a pussy. A pussy made of lava, but a pussy none the less.

I'm glad you asked ChrisG. My wife is the dragon from Shrek. She left Donkey for me. 

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I always wonder what goes through an artist’s head when they “accidentally” create a vagina. At my Alma Mater Bowling Green State University, we famously had a large vagina rock sculpture in the middle of campus. That's all it was known for. To this day, I don't even know what it was supposed to be, or what it was suppose to represent. It was just the vagina rock in the middle of campus.

The artists must know when they create something of that shape, the only thing people are going to see is a vagina… right? Or is it just me who can’t help but see it? If so, I’m sorry. Maybe I’m just that much more hetero than everyone else.

Congrats on your lifetime achievement vagina, Cirie. And congrats on your $100k from Sia.

Big fan of your work. I'm sorry you've become too good at Survivor to win Survivor, so they have to make it up to you by inventing awards and throwing consolation cash at you.