If You Believe the Jeffrey Epstein "Suicide Note" They Released Yesterday Is Real, I've Got a Bridge in Brooklyn to Sell You

AP News-  A note Jeffrey Epstein’s former cellmate claimed he found after the millionaire sex offender’s first suspected jail suicide attempt was made public Wednesday, years after being sealed and locked in a courthouse vault as part of an unrelated legal dispute.

U.S. District Judge Kenneth Karas in White Plains, New York, ordered the release of the note after The New York Times asked him last week to unseal it and other documents in a case involving the former cellmate, Nicholas Tartaglione. Federal prosecutors did not oppose the request.

Few people had known about the note until Tartaglione, a former police officer serving a life sentence for killing four people, mentioned it last year on writer Jessica Reed Kraus’ podcast.

Tartaglione claimed he discovered the note in a book after Epstein was found on the floor of their cell at a Manhattan federal jail on July 23, 2019, with a strip of bedsheet around the financier’s neck. That was about three weeks before Epstein was found dead in his cell in what authorities concluded was a suicide.

“They investigated me for month -- found nothing!!!” said the short note, which is hard to decipher in some places. “It is a treat to be able to choose” the “time to say goodbye,” the note continues. “Watcha want me to do -- Bust out cryin!!”

“NO FUN,” the note concludes, with those words underlined. “NOT WORTH IT!!”

You are never going to believe this, but almost seven years after the most consequentially convenient suicide in modern American history, a suicide note we were told never existed, turned up. The same one nobody mentioned for almost a decade, just so happened to be tucked into a book belonging to a former NYPD cop currently serving time for murdering four guys.

A federal judge yesterday unsealed a purported Jeffrey Epstein suicide note at the request of the New York Times, who basically had to file a goddamn court motion to pry it loose.

Nobody's mentioned it, but the note reads "They investigated me for month, Found NOTHING!!!" and "Watcha want me to do, Bust out cryin!! NO FUN, NOT WORTH IT!!" 

My sleuth friend figured out that the line "Watcha want me to do, Bust out cryin!" comes from a Lil Rascals tv episode. 

The note was supposedly written by Epstein after his first suicide attempt on July 23, 2019, about two and a half weeks before he "died for real" on August 10. Bill Barr later testified to Congress about that July 23 incident without ever once mentioning, oh by the way, there was a handwritten note.

For those of you like my good friend Jerry O'Connell, who are beyond naive, to the point they still trust our government and the people in power- I want you to picture, for just one full second, what these people think of you and me. And of every American with a functioning brain stem. They genuinely believe, in the deepest marrow of their D.C.-soaked bones, that we will accept the following sequence of events at face value-

1- The world's most connected sex trafficker tries to kill himself in a federal jail cell.

2- His cellmate, casually, is a former cop convicted of four murders.

3- The cellmate revives him with CPR, the way you'd help a stranger choke down a chicken bone at Chipotle.

4- Cellmate then "finds" a suicide note. In a book.

5- The note then stays sealed for seven years.

6- Epstein dies, for real this time, in a different suicide, in a different cell, while the cameras don't work and the guards are asleep.

(Sidebar- I was all over this when it broke, and haven't really seen it questioned by anybody, but read that blog above, and the one below. How has nobody looked into these guards' finances? On the day of the murder suicide, they one of them was shopping for a new Harley Davidson motorcycle, and the other was shopping for new furniture for her living room and bedroom. Does that sound like something people on fixed incomes randomly do on a Saturday afternoon?)

7- Federal investigators in 2023 wrap the whole thing up as a "cascade of misconduct, negligence and errors." Translation: nobody is in trouble, nobody loses a pension, please disperse.

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8- The note appears in 2026 because the New York Times had to BEG.

All completely normal. Nothing to see here. Move along, citizen.

The Department of Justice, when asked about the note last week, said- and I quote, "It is difficult to comment on something neither The New York Times, nor we, have seen." 

The DO fucking J said that. 

The agency holding the keys to the entire Epstein case was saying they hadn't seen it. 

Saying they'd "defer to the court" on whether to release it. 

These mother fucking liars produced nearly 3 million pages of Epstein documents and somehow this one yellow legal pad scribble missed the cut.

Giphy Images.

This wasn't a filing mistake or clerical error. That's somebody, somewhere high up, deciding that the American public deserves to be told, year after year, that there is no more information, and that the case is closed, because the man hung himself in a perfectly broken camera dead zone with a perfectly malfunctioning paper bedsheet, and ALSO he definitely didn't leave a note because if he had, they'd have shown it, scout's honor.

But now- 

Giphy Images.

The odds of Epstein getting paired up in a cell with a former cop convicted of executing four men in a basement, who then also happens to find a previously unknown note in a book, are roughly the odds of the Cleveland Browns winning back-to-back Super Bowls. That is fucking powerball-tier coincidence. Truly, what are the chances? 

For those who STILL cannot read between the lines on anything- allow me to be blunt. 

The people running our intelligence and law enforcement agencies in this country have decided, as a matter of operational policy, that we are all too stupid to notice when they contradict themselves. 

They are openly, brazenly, contemptuously serving us the same half-cooked plate of nonsense and daring us to send it back. Daring us!

Years of "no note." Now- oh, yah, there is a note. 

Years of "the cameras malfunctioned." Now- well, ALSO the footage we do have is missing a minute, sorry.

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Years of "the Epstein client list is a conspiracy theory." Now- there's still three million pages, but trust us, the sealed ones are boring.

It's not even good lying. That's the most insulting part. 

It's so fucking lazy and blatant. They aren't even trying. They are pissing on our heads, and telling us it's raining, and then getting mad when we point out the rain has a distinct yellow color and ammonia smell of piss.

I've covered enough of this beat to know how it ends. They'll release one more "bombshell" in another two years. 

It'll recontextualize three things and contradict four. 

The cable news network chyrons will scroll for forty-eight hours, and the names that every adult with a Wi-Fi connection already knows will continue to live well, prosper, board private jets, and donate to candidates of both parties. Wash, rinse, repeat.

(Like this fucking piece of shit who is somehow still a free man with billions to his name.)