RED ALERT OHIO!!! LOCK YOUR DOORS!!!– We Have Multiple New Reports of Bigfoots Making Their Way Through Portage County Outside Of Cleveland
MANTUA – Be on the lookout, Portage County hikers — a hairy beast purported to be Bigfoot is said to be roaming the wilderness in the area.
Reports of the world's reigning champion of hide-and-seek typically dot the country — Alaska, California, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, Oregon, Michigan and Ohio, including the Minerva area, Cuyahoga Valley National Park and Salt Fork State Park.
But recent reports in Portage County say the big dude is stomping around near Mantua, a village with a population of roughly 1,000 people, located along the Cuyahoga River.
Bigfoot Society, a Facebook page with 282,000 followers, got the internet buzzing when it reported the alleged Sasquatch activity. Bigfoot Society is also a Bigfoot witness focused interview podcast.
"So, if you’re in this area, keep your eyes open and maybe your doors locked because there could be a Bigfoot in the same general vicinity," said a Bigfoot Society post on Facebook.
The group says the encounters were at 12:23 p.m. March 6 and 10:52 p.m. March 7. The Bigfoot Society did not say whether either of the reports included photos or videos.
Personally, I would like to see a Bigfoot. I can't say I believe in them, but I would like to see one. I would especially like to be the person who snaps the first and only photo showing indisputable Bigfoot evidence, and sell said photo to whoever the hell pays a bunch of money for that sort of thing. That all sounds great to me.
But in the world of Bigfoot hunters, and the world of people who claim to have encountered Bigfoots, apparently nobody fucking thinks that way. They're all so scared to death every time they definitely see a Bigfoot, that there's simply no way they could have snapped a picture, or collected any sort of evidence whatsoever. "What? Are you crazy? Proof? Ummm... have YOU ever encountered a 10-foot tall mythical beast in the Ohio wilderness? Yeah... didn't think so... you'll just have to take my word for it. I run social media for the Bigfoot Society after all. I think I would know better than you what a credible Bigfoot sighting is..."
Just listen to this guy who sounding the Bigfoot alarm across Ohio.
Oh, well I guess if the Bigfoot Mapping Project says it happened... I can't imagine they would be biased.
Dylan saw two large footprints? But no pictures of the footprints, right? Well he probably didn't have his phone on him. You know how people don't carry phones these days.
The Bigfoot Society has since received 4 additional reports of various sized/colored Bigfoots moving through the Portage County corridor.
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That's 6 Bigfoot encounters in 5 days. The most reported Bigfoot activity since the 1970's.
March 6th: Brown 9-footer in Mantua
March 7th: Brown 8-footer with footprints and grunts
March 9th: Black 8-footer in Garrettsville (8 miles east of Mantua)
March 9th: Black 10-footer in Garrettsville with a heavy musky smell
March 9th: 6-footer (brown) from 100 feet away out of her window
March 10th: 8-to-10 foot arge black shadow, not like a bear, very scared German Shepherd
Keep in mind, these reports all describe the Bigfoots differently, so you have to wonder if these people are just calling in bullshit sightings to fuck with The Bigfoot Society this is not just one single Bigfoot, but a hoard, or family of Bigfoots.
Ok now I'm starting to feel both bad and stupid. Am I just picking on the Bigfoot people? Either way, they're not harming anyone. They just want to believe in something. That's not a bad thing. The real tragedy is that nowadays, with the prevalence of AI, somebody could take a real life video of themselves having a catch with a Bigfoot in their backyard and not a soul would believe them. The joke used to be that any Bigfoot footage people had was grainy and taken with a potato. Now, if someone ever did get a clear enough photo, it would instantly be dismissed as fake.
If I were a worse person/better at my job, I'd call in a fake report to see if I could get the Bigfoot Society to report it as a credible sighting. But I can't do that to the Bigfoot guys. I already feel kinda bad for making fun of the sightings, and poking holes in the "evidence" (holes that any first grader could easily identify).
On the other hand… if Bigfoots are real… there has to be an asshole like me who wrote a snarky blog. There needs to be some blogger who thinks he's smarter than The Bigfoot Society, so The Bigfoot Society can dance on his grave when they eventually catch one. The more the Barstool Sports of the world mock Bigfoot's existence, the more we temp fate. And you know what happens when you temp fate – you get eaten by a Bigfoot outside of Cleveland, and The Bigfoot Society guy makes a very serious TikTok about your death.
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Or maybe The Bigfoot Society are the one's playing everybody else. Maybe they've found a way to monetize The Bigfoot Society, and as the world mocks at them, they're laughing to the bank every time they drop a report of a new sighting… maybe that's it…