Despite Some Opposition, Bern, Switzerland Will NOT Be Removing The Bright Red Bear Penis From Their Coat of Arms

This is the Flag of Canton of Bern, Switzerland. It dates back at least 600 years. It features a majestic, ferocious black bear with red claws, a red tongue, and if you look closely, a bright red dick. 

Shutterstock Images.

But recently, some loser member of Switzerland's Liberal Green Party, Thomas Brönnimann dared to contest, "Umm, hey guys. Does our flag really need to have a big red bear penis on it? Should we maybe remove that?"

The cantonal government was responding to a written question from Liberal Green parliamentarian Thomas Brönnimann, who wondered whether it would not be more appropriate to depict the bear without its masculine attributes, so that the population as a whole would feel better represented.

Hey, Thomas. Shut the fuck up. The red bear penis on Bern's flag has been there since the 1400's. We're not going to perform bottom surgery on him now, just to appease your radical liberal views.

Thankfully, the cantonal Swiss government wasn't having it. Thankfully, the bear remains masculine and proud. The bear penis stays. 

The bear on the coat of arms of canton Bern will continue to display its red penis, the cantonal government has ruled. The direction in which the animal faces will also remain the same.

The bear has always been depicted on official documents with a red phallus. In view of this tradition, the cantonal government believed that it was reasonable to continue to depict the bear in this way. Nor did it wish to conduct an online survey on the bear’s future appearance. In its view, such a survey would not be representative and would have little informative value.

In fact, we're so disgusted by your request, we're going to make the bear's penis even bigger. And give him balls. 

Ok I made up that last part. But if I were in charge of Bern, Switzerland that's what I'd have done.

I'm kinda shocked I'm just now learning of the red dick bear on Bern's flag. I've known about Bern, Switzerland all my life. Both my parents are from a town called Berne, Indiana, where a bunch of Swiss folks settled in the 1800's. They named the town after Bern, Switzerland (but added an 'e' to the end for some reason). I still have extended family there. Every summer we go back to Berne for a festival called Swiss Days. And in Berne, Indiana they use that same damn bear. How have I never noticed how well-endowed he was?

Answer – Because Berne, Indiana removed his dick. Look how they massacred our boy.

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What the hell Berne? The bear's bright red penis is due to long-standing 15th century heraldic traditions that depict male animals with their genitals to represent power and masculinity. But instead, they thought it best to trans the bear? I mean… bravo I guess for being ahead the times. It would make sense if they did it in 2017. But to do it in the 1800's? I'm surprised there wasn't more of an uproar amongst the Bern Mennonites. Interesting move, Berne… it's not too late to fix it.

#MakeTheBearPenisAgain