Let's Celebrate Jessica Biel's Best Moments For Her 44th Birthday Since She's Essentially One Of The Original Founders Of Barstool SPORTS

Devlin3/03/2026 10:15 PM

When I woke up this morning, I had no idea it was such momentous day. Not just for Jessica Biel, who just turned 44 years old, but also Barstool SPORTS itself. This company has exploded so much over the past few decades that I'm guessing there's a lot of new faces who don't really know the OG lore around here.

Because it's not a reach to say... without Ms. Biel looking hotter than Mt. Vesuvius fire flames back in the day, there would very well be no Barstool. No SPORTS. Every Stoolie on earth owes her a massive debt of gratitude.

And not just for her A+ work with swimming pools.

(Boston Phoenix in 2007) - Still, Barstool is growing — thriving, even. Which, given the paper’s humble origins, seems like a minor miracle. Flash back to 2003: recently fired from his sales job at a high-tech startup, Swampscott native and University of Michigan graduate David Portnoy is collecting unemployment checks and dreaming of entrepreneurial success. “I had every idea, from starting a used-furniture store for college kids — pick up, like, trashy couches and then put them in a warehouse and sell them for, like, ten cents — to starting a scouting agency for Division III colleges,” Portnoy told me. “I just went through a bunch of ideas, and I came up with this one.”

At the time, however, the premise for Barstool was radically different. In Portnoy’s words, the paper was a “four-page, black-and-white gambling rag,” one totally devoid of T&A. When the first issue was published, he recalled, “We hired Labor Ready — minimum-wage labor — to hand out the paper. Total disaster. We had ’em at every T stop, and we couldn’t manage them. These guys were drunk; they didn’t show up; they were throwing them in the trash.”

What followed sounds like a musical montage in an ’80s dramedy.
When the next issue comes out two weeks later, Portnoy & Co. pass on Labor Ready and hire a local modeling agency to distribute the paper instead. One of the models tells Portnoy the paper is doomed; she later becomes his girlfriend. Men like getting their free paper from said models.
One week, Portnoy sticks a cheesecake shot of Jessica Biel on the front cover for the hell of it. Barstool is so small that there are no repercussions; meanwhile, readers love it. More cover models follow, local girls who actually like the idea of their almost-nude image gazing out from drop boxes across the city; so do more readers and more advertisers. (Whether Barstool could have thrived without the current ascendance of raunch culture is an open question.)
In 2006, Barstool turns a profit for the first time; circulation reaches 40,000; Web traffic at BarstoolSports.com — which, among other things, features mass quantities of scantily-clad girls/women and more professional-wrestling video than anyone really needs — tops 100,000 unique visitors monthly.

There’s an obvious lesson here for aspiring publishers everywhere — i.e., lots of guys will grab a free paper (and visit its Web site) if nubile, nearly naked females get prominent play. “It’s not rocket science,” says Portnoy. “I mean, we wouldn’t be here where we are now without the girls.”

In fact, even my first knowledge about Barstool existing happened solely because of Ms. Biel's talents. Shout out to that indie movie, 'Powder Blue'. 10/10 film.

Granted to this day I no idea what the plot of that movie is, but thanks to Dave Portnoy bravely posting her spicy scenes online, I did learn she plays a stripper who dances around & pours hot candle wax all over her tits.

Brother, if only you could've heard the hallways of my JQA dorm at UMass when that blog went live. Screams of joy as if the earth just agreed to eternal world peace. People knocking on doors one by one like Paul Revere to make sure everyone knew what was happening. Basically full on Mouse vibes from 'The Matrix'. It was BIG news.

And I imagine, even bigger pageviews for Davey Dave in 2009.

Since time is a flat circle, here's that wax scene if you're interested. It literally never gets old.

And although Jessica has mostly been staying out the spotlight since getting married & starting a family with Justin Timberlake, that doesn't mean she's lost a step. She still looked GREAT in 'The Better Sister' last year.

Once again, no idea of the plot here though. But definitely an A+ workout routine.

No matter how you slice it, she's aging like the finest of wines. No surprise there really.

So in the spirit of timeless greatness, let's pay homage to her best moments then, now, FOREVER and honor one of the hottest humans of all-time with a worthy scroll of cosmic wonder.

After all, we literally wouldn't be here without her. Fusing her talents with the big brain of Dave Portnoy will certainly remain as one of the most pivotal combinations in media history.

All hail our fearless leader Davey Pageviews. And thank YOU for your service, Jessica.

Appreciate you, Mrs. Timberlake. Enjoy that cake. You've already given us plenty.