"Cucks" In Maine, "Hairy Bush" In Wisconsin, "Granny" In Maryland... Here's How Americans In Each State Get In The Mood For Valentine's Day (According To Pornhub's Very Scientific Data)
Before we jump into anal-yzing this Pornhub map, let me start with an apology to our old friend Asa Akira & all-time porn legend Jenna Jameson. I didn't include them in the thumbnail because they fall under the "Granny" category, nor did I assume they're currently rocking a "Hairy Bush". I would guess they're into "Cuck" play though. But mainly, I simply thought they'd be great mascots for what this blog is all about. CLICKS.
and FUCKIN'… In a variety of digital ways. Arguably too many.
And hey, if I happen to earn a FLYIN' 69 opportunity from it, that's OK too. Miss you Asa.
Speaking of which, it's kinda surprising to see ZERO states were giving their best ode to The DAWG & Gronk with a quick "69" search. But otherwise, America isn't leaving ANY stone unturned out there. And admittedly, it's always a fascinating & undoubtedly abhorrent experience to see what your fellow human beings are cranking their hogs to. And/or flicking their bean. We're equal opportunity squirters here, no kink shaming. It's cool to cum.
Giphy Images.
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HOWEVA, I would like to know what's going on in New Mexico, Vermont, & Pennsylvania. It seems their fine citizens are trying to watch the softest & quite possibly saddest porn imaginable. "Hugging", "Passionate", "Respectful"… pretty much the most basic aspects of intimacy everyone should already be experiencing in a relationship. Does that mean the people in those states are not receiving any of those feelings? Or too many of them? Or they're just THAT dedicated to what they love? Good ol' fashioned fun, 1950s style.
I'd like to think so. But I will admit, I am morbidly curious to see what hugging porn is actually all about. Does it ever progress past the point of contact? Or is it no genitals involved, and only all about the repeated SQUEEZE? Maybe I don't wanna know. I'm a fuggin' idiot.
And speaking of not wanting to know a single ounce of additional information, what the FUCK is going on in my home state of Maryland? How broad can the market for "Granny" porn really be? Seems like an incredibly finite resource. Don't see many GILFs strutting that old ass around the AVN Awards.
Maybe our other good friend Abella Danger can break that mold someday. Hope so.
Regardless, I wish the good people of Minnesota GOOD LUCK discovering what a "Mutual Orgasm" is, along with fine folks of Wisconsin keeping "Hairy Bush" en vogue. It's an ugly job, but somebody has gotta do it. I think. After all, Demi Moore isn't getting any younger.
I would close this out with the full 2025 stats from Pornhub but unfortunately I'm in Florida to cover the Daytona 500 and thus, banned from looking at that site in this disease infested swamp of a state. Suck a buffet of dicks DeSantis! But I'll leave you with the best data from 2024 so you can compare it to V-Day. As they say…. Respect the cock. And tame the cunt.
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PS: if you're looking to rev your engine to something new, I'd suggest this recent Sydney Sweeney shower blog. But enjoy your Valentine's Day to the fullest no matter what you're searching. God bless America. And soaking wet warlocks.