WATCH: A TED Talk About Titties. Bill Maher and Marshawn Lynch Had An All-Time Discussion on Strip Clubs, The Last Bipartisan Institution
Arite what killed me about that whole Bill Maher and Marshawn Lynch vibe is that this should not work.
On paper, this is the least compatible buddy-cop duo in America.
You have Bill Maher, who talks like every sentence is getting peer-reviewed. He says things like, “The broader implication is…” and you can hear a TED Talk producer unclipping a mic somewhere in the background.
Then you have Marshawn, who speaks exclusively in “I’m just here so I don’t get fined” energy, except now he is relaxed, and smiling, and he is looking at Maher like, “Aight, you weird, but you my weird.”
And yet somehow, in the middle of all that, they found the one sacred American institution that unites every man across every zip code.
Strip clubs.
Strip clubs are the great equalizer.
That is Mount Rushmore-level democracy.
That is the only place on Earth where a hedge fund guy and a union guy can sit shoulder to shoulder like they served together in the same platoon.
Because nothing levels the playing field like a place where the rules are simple and everyone understands them.
You walk in, and it is basically the United Nations.
You got dudes in tailored suits, guys in steel-toe boots, and guys who look like they just got done yelling at a Home Depot manager, all rubbing shoulders on the chow-line together, stacking dollar bills on the stage while a girl shows you her butthole.
You've got Wall St. guys and blue collar hammer swingers coming together in unison to celebrate women just trying to pay their bills, and milk you for every cent you have sitting inr your bank account.
Nobody is asking anybody, “So what do you do?” Because it does not matter what you do.
In there, everybody does the same thing.
You take out cash like you are paying a ransom, with a nice $20 atm fee on top.
You nod respectfully like you are at a ballet.
And you pretend you are not emotional about it, like you are a teenager trying to act cool in front of his older cousin.
And the best part is, the business model is the most honest thing left in America.
There is no bait-and-switch. No “free trial” that turns into a subscription. And nobody is hiding the fees until you get to checkout.
It is the only place where you walk in and everybody is like, “Just so we’re clear, we are taking your money.”
And every guy in the building is like, “Perfect. Finally. An honest transaction.”
I feel like strip clubs are a service industry with no illusions.
The girls are not in there acting like, “No, I just love meeting new people.” Stop it. They are there to provide a service. You are there to purchase that service. Both parties understand the assignment.
There is a mutual agreement before you even step foot in the place.
It is the closest thing men have to a stress-free customer experience.
Because when you go to a normal bar, there is always confusion.
A bartender is busy, somebody is cutting the line, your buddy is trying to wingman you into a conversation you do not want, and you are yelling, “WHAT?” every seven seconds like you are being interrogated.
In a strip club, nobody is confused.
The music is loud enough that conversation is optional. The vibe is clear. And their pricing is emotional, not logical.
You are not paying for a lap dance, no, you are paying for a moment of peace where your brain shuts off like an iphone at 2 percent.
You are paying to stop thinking about mortgage rates and group chats and the fact that your knees hurt for no reason now.
And I love how it turns complete strangers into best friends.
Because a strip club is the only place where a guy will lean over to you, a total stranger, and say something like, “Man. She is… talented.”
Like you are both scouting a first-round draft pick.
Then you both nod in agreement like, “Yup. Definitely a future Hall of Famer.”
Kevin has been on fire lately with his videos, and he nailed this one -
Strip clubs are community. That is togetherness.
We need more of that as a society. A lot more.
Because where else are rich guys and working guys bonding?
Where else is a guy who says “my portfolio” and a guy who says “my foreman” having the exact same spiritual experience?
Honestly, nowhere.
The strip club is the only place where the class system dissolves and everybody becomes the same person. A man holding cash, making choices he will later describe as “a long night.”
And that is what made that conversation so fucking funny, because Bill and Marshawn come from different planets, but they both speak the same universal language when it comes to these hallowed places.
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One guy is like, “Society’s moral hypocrisy is fascinating,” and the other guy is like, “Yeah. Also, titties.”
And they are both right.
That is America.
Not politics, or cable news, and not pretending we all agree on everything.
America is two completely different dudes realizing, in real time, that the one thing we all still understand is that sometimes you just want to sit down, throw a couple bills, get covered in stripper glitter that you'll never get out of your clothes, and enjoy a little chaos in a controlled environment.
It is not the church. It is not the ballot box.
It is the strip club. And they are the last bipartisan institution we have left.
Honestly, if Congress met in one for a week, we would solve healthcare by Tuesday.