PenisGate Scandal Rocks the Ski Jump World as Norwegians are Caught on Video Padding Their Crotches With Foam Ahead of the Olympics. And Some Reportedly Have Used Acid-Filled Condoms.

If you're a Boomer, you've likely never heard the audio of this clip before. But the video is forever embedded in you're brain along with Jim McKay saying "... and the agony of defeat" in the opening credits of ABC's Wide World of Sports. Yes, this is what passed for entertainment back when our options were way more limited than they are now. On a Saturday afternoon it was pretty much this, an Elvis movie on local UHF, or getting out of your mother's hair by going outside. So fat kids I was typically opted for whatever slop this show managed to serve up. 

Beyond this clip, ski jumping is as obscure a sport as there is. One you definitely only see once every four years. And that 48-month span is almost up as we're weeks away from the Winter Olympics in Milan. And before the Games even begin, we've got our quadrennial reminder that no matter how obscure, inconsequential and trivial a sport is, it's still always worth cheating at, as long as you don't get caught. 

Unfortunately for the Norwegians, who presumably actually care about this silly nonsense, they got the cheating part right, but suffered the agony of defeat on the getting caught part:

Source - Just weeks before the start of the Winter Olympics, a cheating scandal that is equal parts bizarre and brazen, rocking one of its foundational sports and becoming a cause for national shame in Norway, has taken its latest turn. ...

[A]fter 11 months of investigation and litigation, the International Ski and Snowboard Federation’s (FIS) ethics committee handed down a harsh 18-month suspension to two disgraced former coaches and the former equipment manager of Norway’s ski jumping team. The trio admitted conspiring to manipulate the suits of the team’s top jumpers to help them beat the competition at the Nordic World Ski Championships in Trondheim, Norway, last year after a whistleblower filmed them through a curtain. ...

At the world championships, Magnus Brevig, the head coach of the Norwegian national team, and Adrian Livelten, the team’s suit technician, were caught on a video posted anonymously to YouTube inserting illegal stitching into the crotch area of the suits of two star jumpers, reigning Olympic champion Marius Lindvik and Johann André Forfang, after the suits had already passed inspection. The stitches essentially served to make the suits more aerodynamic, allowing the jumpers to fly farther than the competition. 

The athletes claimed ignorance. The coaches backed those claims, and the athletes received suspensions of just three months, which they were able to serve during the summer. They are expected to compete in next month’s Winter Olympics.

And:

AOL - Before the season, ski jumpers are subjected to mandatory body scans to determine the dimensions of their suits under the guidelines of the sport’s governing body, the International Ski and Snowboard Federation (FIS).

The crotch measurement is taken from the lowest point of an athlete’s genitals, the German tabloid reported.

“If you manage to move that point downward, you automatically get more surface area on the suit,” Bild wrote, adding the extra fabric provides aerodynamic advantages that can translate into longer jumps.

Bild claimed some jumpers have allegedly used hyaluronic acid to temporarily enlarge the genital area ahead of the scan, sometimes by injecting the substance into a silicone, condom-like sheath worn inside the suit.

Let this be a lesson to all you aspiring Olympians out there. You say you aspire to compete against the best in the world? To be part of the pageantry and drama as the people of all nations come together in the spirit of harmony in athletic competition? To represent your country, and bring back gold to instill national pride and inspire others to do likewise? 

Great. But don't be naive. This is what you'll be up against. Even in something as inconsequential as going down a ramp in skis and floating as long as you can, somebody, somewhere is going to try and rig the system. If it can happen in women's figure skating:

… it can happen in any even where there's medals to be won and endorsement money to be made.

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For the sake of satisfying the physics of the Glide Ratio:

GR = Horizontal distance traveled / Vertical distance descended

… and the aerodynamics of the Lift to Drag formula:

GR = L / D

… some guys will stuff their suits with rubbers full of hyaluronic acid and put it next to their own nutsacks. The are people who will risk burning twig-and-berries off, just to give themselves another square inch of material and maybe add a centimeter or two to their jump. And make no mistake, if they could go full MC Hammer Pants, they would. 

Giphy Images.

The sport doesn't matter. The nation of origin doesn't matter. The health and safety of your Wife's Best Friend doesn't matter. Only winning does. If you ain't cheating by stuffing your pants like Spinal Tap's bass player:

… you ain't trying. Thus endeth the lesson. Good luck, America.