The Miami Dolphins Have Reportedly Made Contact With John Harbaugh. Too Bad There's ZERO Chance He Coaches The Dolphins

According to Josina Anderson, the Miami Dolphins have been in touch with John Harbaugh. On the surface, that sounds incredible. Like, I just fucked the hottest girl of my life incredible. Dolphins fans, myself included, should be sprinting through the streets shirtless, praising the football gods, lighting candles, and manifesting stability for once in our miserable lives. A Super Bowl winning coach? A grown adult with credibility? Someone who actually knows how to run an organization? Sign me the fuck up.

But then I did what every Dolphins fan has learned to do over the years: I clicked “show more.”

And that’s when the tweet went from hopeful to absolutely hilarious.

Anderson says, “it's also my understanding though that team quarterback situation will be a big factor in this ongoing decision and evaluation process.”

LOL. Oh, the quarterback situation will be a big factor? You don’t say. Have you seen the Miami Dolphins quarterback situation? It’s not just bad, it’s a fucking disgrace. It is quite literally the worst situation in the entire league outside of Deshaun Watson.

We just benched a quarterback we paid $212 million. Two hundred and twelve million dollars. With a dead cap hit hovering around $100 million. That’s not a “situation,” that’s having to tell the girl you just met you got three baby mommas. That’s the kind of situation that makes someone wanna retire or do broadcasting, not coach a football team.

So we’re supposed to believe John Harbaugh, a Super Bowl champion, a respected leader, a man who has spent over a decade in a functional franchise, is going to look at this dumpster fire and say, “Yeah, that’s the one. That’s where I want to stake my legacy”? Fuck no.

John Harbaugh has options. Real options. Teams with quarterbacks. Teams without financial handcuffs. Teams that don’t panic, overpay, and then immediately pull the plug while still lighting $100 million on fire. He’s not walking into a front office that can’t decide if it wants to rebuild, retool, or just keep lying to itself.

So let me save everyone the suspense, the discourse, and the inevitable disappointment.

BREAKING: John Harbaugh will NOT be the next head coach of the Miami Dolphins.

And honestly? The saddest part isn’t that it won’t happen. The saddest part is that for about 30 seconds, Dolphins fans allowed ourselves to believe competence was possible.