Big News Week For Getting Kicked In The Balls - Hundreds Gather in Scotland to Witness Full-Force Kick-in-Balls & Young Girl Thwarts Kidnapper With Full-Force Kick-in-Balls
Naturally, when I'm looking for a strange non-sports related blog topic to write about, I'll take to Reddit. It's the best place to find news stories that aren't actually newsworthy, but maybe funny enough to get off a bad joke or two. Today on Reddit, I stumbled upon not one, but two not-very-high-profile balls kicking stories from the past week (and-a-half). So that's the dumb shit we're going with today
Kick-in-Balls Story #1 – In Glasgow, Scotland there is a trans-person. They're having the requisite dick & balls removal surgery sometime… soon. So as one does, before completing their transition to a woman, they posted flyers around town to conjure a crowd of hundreds to watch them get full-force punted in the balls.
Like a one last hurrah for your balls before they're taken from your body and turned into glue. Or dog food. Or whatever they do with discarded genitals.
Personally, if I had one last day with my dick & balls, I would do something enjoyable with them. Like bust. As opposed to experiencing the worst pain known to man. But I suppose if you've spent your whole life really fucking hating your balls, the last thing you'd want are fond memories of them. Maybe it's a surefire way to assure that you won't miss them. Because if there ever comes a time where you think, "Did I make the right choice?", you'll remember the excruciating pain you felt as you writhed on the ground surrounded by hundreds of cheering weirdos and some bitch playing a flute.
Kick-in-Balls Story #2 – In Idaho, some creep in a mask and tried to kidnap an 11-year old girl. In a very savvy & bad ass move for a young girl, she Marquette King'd the creep in the balls and made her escape.
Side Note: Remember Marquette King? The punter for the Raiders? Whatever happened to him? Did he just get bad at punting overnight? I swear he was like the best punter the NFL and then disappeared into thin air.
How do you flame out as a punter by age 30? Two years after being Second Team All-Pro? Apparently Marquette King thinks he's been blackballed for having too much personality…
Yahoo! Sports – He spoke with The Athletic recently and said this:
“I’m definitely blackballed. I’m definitely better than over half the punters still playing. That’s just what it is.”
Why does King believe that happened?
“I just had too much personality,” King told The Athletic. “I got a lot of personality, and people just don’t know how to handle that, or people who are insecure with who they are — (if) they don’t feel like they can have some type of control over how you move or what you do, then it’s an issue.”
Whatever. Anyways, I feel like we as a society don't teach the art of kicking in the balls enough. A well placed kick in the balls can get you out of almost any bad one-on-one situation. If anybody initiates a confrontation with you that you fear might turn violent, if a homeless person accosts you on the street in a concerning way, a good kick in the balls should be your first move. A person can eat a punch anywhere else. But a kick in the balls going to bring the situation to a screeching halt. It's not going to escalate anything, because your assailant is going to be completely out of commission for at least 10-20 seconds. Which is plenty enough time to make an escape. Even if it's a robber who walks up and sticks a gun to your forehead, if you kick him in the balls, you're going to get away. He's not going to shoot you for your wallet.
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And by the time you've made it to safety, the person whose balls you kicked is probably going to be fine. Worst case scenario he can't have kids, which is probably doing society a favor anyways. If kicks in the balls were more common, and there was a constant looming threat of being kicked in the balls if you don't keep in line, the world might be a better place.
So good on this young girl. Because of her, the police were able to get a kidnapper off the streets.
KSL – A 31-year-old Idaho man was arrested in Washington after he reportedly tried to kidnap an 11-year-old girl, but was thwarted after she kicked him in the genitals.
According to the girl, as she was screaming, Hartman told her to "shut up." The girl says she then kicked Hartman in the genitals, grabbed her cellphone, and began running to a friend's apartment, where 911 was called.
A no-contact order was issued for the victim. If convicted, Hartman could face up to life in prison.
Maybe we could learn a thing or two from her. In the balls kicking department.