ADHD Thoughts: Do Girls Have Locker Room Talk?

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In my world, there’s a simple rule that’s never failed me: if I can’t fuck with you, I don’t fuck with you. Translation…if I’m not absolutely torching your ass every chance I get, you’re not actually my boy. That’s guy love in its purest form. The harder I roast you, the more I care. Calling you a needle dick simp who couldn’t pull a drunk 4 is basically me saying “I’d take a bullet for you, bro.”

We all learned this sacred language somewhere between middle school locker rooms and getting screamed at on Xbox Live in 2008. It’s universal. Walk into any group of dudes who’ve known each other longer than five minutes and within thirty seconds someone’s getting cooked for their haircut, their fantasy team, or the way they hold a wine glass (shoutout Katic).

But women? I’ve always wondered how that shit works on their side of the fence.

Do chicks actually roast each other the same way? Like, do they sit around a brunch table and one goes, “Girl, you dressed like a cheap stripper,” and everyone loses their mind laughing? Or is their version of ball busting wrapped in sixteen layers of “omg you look so beautiful” with 300 heart eye emojis?

I need to know how raw it gets when it’s just the girls. Because when me and the boys recap smashing some chick, it ain’t a romance novel. It’s a goddamn war crime report. We’re ranking it like Olympic divers, style points, splash radius, what she whispered in my ear. To the outside world it sounds vile and derogatory. Inside the circle? It’s high art. It’s bonding. It’s the locker room. 

So ladies, be honest, when it’s just you and the group chat and no guys around, is it all cutesy and “demur” or is there a code switch?

I’m not asking for evidence, I’m just asking for answers.