Five Nights At Freddy's 2 & Jay Kelly Both Stink

Two movies come out this weekend that I really didn't like: Jay Kelly (on Netflix) and Five Night's At Freddy's 2. This is probably the first and last time, Fazbear and Clooney will be linked. Mini-reviews of each are below along with Sentimental Value, Rental Family and Keeper.

Five Nights At Freddy’s doesn’t know if it wants to be a campy comedy or a horror with dramatic elements. You’ll have comedic moments followed by a scene about dead children. This is a mess of a movie. But, if the intended audience likes it, does it matter? Does anything matter? This is bad enough to make someone embrace nihilism.

I guess this is slightly better than the first movie. The story is a bit more coherent. But that’s a very low bar. You still get the same dour or just weak performances in this movie. It still introduces characters only to dispose of them and make you wonder why they were even in the movie at all?

I still think the initial premise of “haunted Chuck E. Cheese” is good. Part of me thinks the fan base is getting cheated by such a weak movie. But then you see that the fans seem to like this?

Minecraft wasn’t The Godfather but at least it knew what it was. This can’t even figure that out.

Five Night's At Freddy's 2: D

Jay Kelly is about a selfish, rich and famous movie star who is down in the dumps after realizing he’s a selfish, rich and famous movie star. How sad!!!

This may be the most disappointing movie of the year when you consider who is involved. Not only are Noah Baumbach, George Clooney and Adam Sandler all very talented, I thought they had some sort of idea what real struggles are. 

Marriage Story, Up In The Air and Uncut Gems all have to do with people with actual problems. This whole movie is about someone who can’t find people to go to a giant tribute in his honor.

The attempt to have this feel like All That Jazz at points was pathetic. I don’t care if this is on Netflix. Skip this and actually watch the Bob Fosse masterpiece instead. 

Poor Jay Kelly! Guy is just too rich and successful!

Jay Kelly: D+

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Sentimental Value is a great movie that deals with a number of things like home, abandonment, depression, anxiety, aging and art. It’s does all of this beautifully with characters that feel real, complicated and smart. It also exposes weaker movies like Jay Kelly and Here that try to deal with similar topics but live in cliches and tropes.

I have to imagine this should get a ton of award acclaim and Oscar nominations. They will absolutely be deserved. Joachim Trier has directed and co-written a film that is juggling a ton but never drops anything. 

Stellan Skaarsgard always plays cold intelligence brilliantly but this may be his best work yet. He’s not a good father but doesn’t flinch from that truth. Renate Reinsve is one of the best actresses working today. She plays a broken, angry woman with grace and believability.

This isn’t quite as good as Worst Person In The World (which is one of Top 100 movies ever) but it’s a brilliant follow-up nevertheless.

Sentimental Value: A-

Rental Family is a movie not about characters or a story but about a theme. The problem is it doesn’t know how to feel about that theme.

The premise of the movie is that it’s ok to lie and manipulate innocent people…unless it’s not ok. The movie has to do so many mental gymnastics by the end of this, that the attempt to have this be some feel good movie about the human experience just seems confusing.

As people, all we have is our reality. The good, bad or even non-existent relationships we have with people are all important to help define who we are. Having them be artificial or messed with hurts us as actual people, even if the manipulation is well-intentioned.

This movie seems to know this on some level but still wants it both ways.

Rental Family: C+

Keeper is Osgood Perkins second lousy movie this calendar year (along with The Monkey). That’s not easy to do. But these are made cheap enough not to lose too much money and Neon keeps pumping them out so here we are.

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This is written like someone who has never heard humans have a conversation. It’s always weird and stilted. In this movie, a couple celebrates their one year anniversary of dating in a house in the woods. They speak and act like they’ve never met before.

The only reason to see this is Tatiana Maslany, who is very good. But it’s not enough to make this movie (which is almost entirely lingering shots and jump scares in dreams) worthwhile.

Osgood Perkins needs to stop rushing these movies out and make something that is actually worthwhile. Maybe Longlegs was just his peak?

KEEPER: D

2025

1)Sinners

2)Weapons

3)One Battle After Another

4)SENTIMENTAL VALUE

5)Caught Stealing

6)The Long Walk

7)Presence

8)The Life Of Chuck

9)Black Bag

10)The Ballad Of Wallis Island

11)Warfare

12)Friendship

13)Bugonia

14)Superman

15)Mission Impossible 8

16)Nuremberg

17)28 Years Later

18)Novocaine

19)Fantastic Four

20)Roofman

21)The Naked Gun

22)Blue Moon

23)Eternity

24)Final Destination 6

25)Frankenstein

26)The Amateur

27)Drop

28)Dangerous Animals

29)Predator: Badlands

30)Together

31)Black Phone 2

32)Death Of A Unicorn

33)The Accountant 2

34)The Damned

35)One Of Them Days

36)Materialists

37)Lilo & Stitch

38)Paddington 3

39)Thunderbolts

40)F1

41)The Smashing Machine

42)Clown In A Cornfield

43)Bring Her Back

44)Truth & Treason

45)Hell Of A Summer

46)Karate Kid 6

47)Good Boy

48)Downton Abbey 3

49)The Running Man 

50)Fight Or Flight

51)Valiant One

52)Sketch

53)The Roses

54)How To Train Your Dragon

55)Elio

56)Rule Breakers

57)If I Had Legs

58)Heart Eyes

59)The Conjuring 4

60)Mickey17

61)The Surfer

62)Relay

63)RENTAL FAMILY

64)Tron 3

65)Last Breath

66)Flight Risk

67)Springsteen

68)Minecraft

69)Den Of Thieves 2

70)Dogman

71)Companion

72)Eddington

73)Good Fortune

74)Jurassic World Rebirth

75)The Senior

76)KPop Demon Hunters

77)Die My Love

78)Now You 3 Me

79)Spinal Tap 2

80)Bone Lake

81)The Toxic Avenger

82)Wicked 2

83)Ballerina

84)A Working Man

85)The Last Rodeo

86)Taylor Swift: Showgirl

87)Shadow Force

88)The Alto Knights

89)Honey Don’t

90)The Bad Guys 2

91)The Penguin Lessons

92)The Chosen Part 2

93)Looney Tunes

94)Opus

95)M3GAN 2

96)A Big, Bold, Beautiful Journey

97)Becoming Led Zeppelin

98)Captain America: BNW

99)JAY KELLY

100)I Know What You Did Last Summer

101)Until Dawn

102)Soul On Fire

103)After The Hunt

104)Ne Zha 2

105)The Chosen Part 1

106)Riff Raff

107)The Home

108)Stitch Head

109)Kiss Of The Spider Woman

110)Freakier Friday

111)Inheritance

112)Nobody 2

113)The Chosen Part 3

114)The Wedding Banquet

115)Regretting You

116)Smurfs

117)The Legend Of Ochi

118)Night Of The Zoopocalypse

119)Chainsaw Man

120)Pets On A Train

121)Demon Slayer

122)The Phoenician Scheme

123)Sarah’s Oil

124)Sneaks

125)Ash

126)Jujutsu Kaiden

127)The King Of Kings

128)The Friend

129)Dan Da Dan 2

130)Light Of The World

131)Snow White

132)The Unbreakable Boy

133)KEEPER

134)5 NIGHTS AT FREDDY'S 2

135)Gabby’s Dollhouse

136)Brave The Dark

137)Wolf Man

138)Hurry Up Tomorrow

139)The Monkey

140)Love Hurts

141)Him

142)The Strangers 2

143)The Last Supper

144)Woman In The Yard

145)Bride Hard

146)Shelby Oaks

147)Juliet & Romeo

148)In The Lost Lands