NFL Week 5 Shit Rankings

Usually, I wait until Tuesday to drop my shitty rankings, but regardless of who wins or loses tonight between the Chiefs and Saints, neither team is shitty—so why wait? The NFL is truly one of a kind; narratives are born and killed on a week-to-week basis. One week your team is the biggest joke in the league, and the next, you’re trying to convince yourself that you can win the division. 

Take the Giants, for example. Just last week, everyone was tearing into them, calling them the worst team in the league, and ripping Daniel Jones for being terrible. Fast forward to this week, and they go into Seattle and win the game outright. That’s why they’re off my shit list—for now. The shit list is a week-to-week thing, and you never know who’s moving up or down.

So, without further ado, here are my Week 5 shit rankings.

5. Miami Dolphins

When it comes to my shitty rankings, I don’t mess around. Even though the Dolphins are my team, they still belong on the list. We can’t have two touchdowns in three weeks and not make it. Sure, we managed to squeak out a win against a pathetic New England Patriots team, but we still looked like crap. Hopefully, this is something the team can build on, but I’m not putting money on this being the game that turns our season around.

4. Los Angeles Rams

You gotta feel bad for Matthew Stafford. The guy’s a warrior—it doesn’t matter who he has around him, he always keeps his team in the game. If this Rams squad were healthy, I think they’d be one of the best in the league. But the injury bug has wrecked them, and after back-to-back losses to the Bears and Packers, I have no choice but to add them to my shitty list. I’m sure they’ll be off it sooner rather than later.

3. Jacksonville Jaguars

CONGRATS ON YOUR FIRST WIN, JAGS FANS! Unfortunately, that doesn’t change the fact that your team is still shit. The Jaguars went out of their way to lose that game yesterday, and although they completely screwed everyone who had them at -3.5, they somehow managed to pull off the win. But as someone who prides themselves on spotting a truly shitty team, I’m obligated to keep the Jags high up on this list.

2. Carolina Panthers

The Panthers have to be the most dysfunctional franchise in the entire NFL. Watching them attempt to play football takes years off my life. Outside of Andy Dalton’s brief resurgence, this team looks just as awful as they did with Bryce Young at quarterback. This should surprise no one, but I’m officially making the Carolina Panthers a permanent fixture on my shit rankings. That’s right—they’ll be on this list every single week from now on.

1. New England Patriots

LMFAO, THANK THE LORD FOR THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS! If this team wasn’t so terrible, I’d have no choice but to put the Dolphins at #1. But God, this is amazing! These pricks deserve nothing but misery for many years to come. You got your six Super Bowls—now you can rot in hell like the rest of us.