NFL Shit Rankings

I’m done with the whole "power ranking" bullshit. Why would I waste my time talking about the best teams in the league when my own team is a complete joke? I’m not qualified to give an opinion on good football teams because I’ve never had one. But you know what I am qualified to talk about? Twenty-four years of garbage football. So if there’s one thing I know, it’s trash. Want to know something else? I LOVE hate. I love to hate. So, instead of focusing on the positives, I’m going to turn my attention to all the shit ass teams in this league.

Welcome to the shit show

6. Denver Broncos

Matthew Stockman. Getty Images.

I have absolutely no idea how this team is 2-2—they're terrible. Bo Nix must be the only quarterback in the NFL who can throw for 60 yards and still win a game. The only reason I have them at six and not number one is because their defense is legit, and unfortunately, both the Dolphins and the Jaguars exist. But trust me, this team’s going to come crashing down soon.

5. Cleveland Browns

Nick Cammett. Getty Images.

You could argue that Deshaun Watson is easily a top-five most ass quarterback in the NFL. His contract? Definitely top two worst in the league—and it’s not number two. I get it, it’s not all his fault. Their offensive line couldn’t block Spider if they tried. This team is broken beyond repair, and as Jeff D. Lowe put it best: "Football sucks."

4. Carolina Panthers

Ian Maule. Getty Images.

The fact that we’re four weeks into the season and I have the Miami Dolphins ranked higher on my shit list than the Carolina Panthers should tell you everything you need to know about how my football season is going—miserable. Andy Dalton has breathed new life into this Panthers team, and if they keep lighting up the scoreboard, they might just find themselves off my rankings entirely. But I need to see more first, which is why I have them at four for now.

3. New York Giants

Luke Hales. Getty Images.

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I’m starting to feel the same kind of sympathy for Daniel Jones that I felt for Joe Biden—you just can’t help but feel bad for the guy. You can see he’s lost out there, completely clueless about what’s going on. Even the people who are supposed to be on his side don’t believe he can do his job anymore.

2. Miami Dolphins

Tottenham Hotspur FC. Shutterstock Images.

I FUCKING HATE THIS TEAM. I HAVE NEVER HATED A TEAM LIKE THIS IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. I HAD LOW EXPECTATIONS GOING INTO THE YEAR BUT MY GOD I DID NOT SEE US BEING WORSE THAN THE CAROLINA PANTHERS AND THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK IS MY LIFE?!?!?!? HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE. FOR FUCKS SAKE FIGURE IT OUT. I HATE YOU.

1. Jacksonville Jaguars

Kevin Sabitus. Getty Images.

I can’t help but feel bad for good ol' Uncle Chaps. You just hate to see it. I know exactly what he’s going through. It sucks having high expectations year after year only to watch your team rip your heart out and piss on your grave. The Jags fucking blow. The Trevor Lawrence experiment has run its course. He’s not a Daniel Jones by any means, but as far as first overall picks go, he’s been one of the worst. So, I guess, thanks to the Jags for gifting us our only win this year? And for Chaps’ sake, I genuinely hope they win a game sooner rather than later.