What To Expect When My Abusive Step Father, Josh Allen, Comes To Town

Megan Briggs. Getty Images.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's officially my favorite week of the year: Bills week. From a win-loss standpoint alone, it makes no sense why this would be my favorite week. The Bills are 11-2 against the Dolphins since Josh Allen took over as quarterback, and if it weren’t for Charles Clay dropping a touchdown pass, they could very easily be 12-1. From a football perspective, there’s no logical reason for me to be excited about this game, but from a shit talking point of view this is my Super Bowl.

Over the last couple years I've developed a wonderful love/hate relationship with Bills Mafia, and if I'm being honest, as much as I despise their football team, Bills Mafia is part of the reason I got hired at Barstool. Had I not told that chef to go fuck himself and later met up with him in Buffalo to make amends, I would have never gotten on Portnoy's radar. So as much as those blue cheese-dipping, table-breaking motherfuckers annoy me, I'll always appreciate our relationship. Hopefully, this is the year when I'm the one dishing out the shit instead of taking it. But knowing how this rivalry goes, especially with Josh Allen at quarterback, I know it's not going to be easy.

Unlike most Dolphins fans, I have no problem admitting that Josh Allen is my abusive stepfather. Some might say I'm taking it too far, but I'm not. Since Josh Allen took over as quarterback for the Buffalo Bills, he has legitimately abused the Miami Dolphins. I don't know what it is about Josh Allen and the Dolphins, but he seems to make it his personal mission to make us his little bitch. Anytime Josh Allen plays a team like the Jets, he turns into Ryan Leaf, but the second he plays the Dolphins, he turns into Thanos.

Up until last year, I spent my whole life fighting back against Josh Allen. I would scream from the rooftops that this year is going to be different, and there’s no chance in hell he's going to walk into our stadium and manhandle us again. But sure enough, Josh Allen would walk in and wipe the floor with us. So, I'm done fighting it. But just because Josh Allen abuses us doesn’t mean the Dolphins can’t win the game.

As big and bad as Josh Allen is against the Miami Dolphins, the Bills' defense is simply not what it used to be. The departures of Micah Hyde, Jordan Poyer (now with the Dolphins), Tremaine Edmunds, and others, combined with the injury to Matt Milano, have weakened this defense significantly. Offensively, the Cardinals had their way with the Bills in the first half. Even though Buffalo was able to slow down Arizona in the second half, had it not been for the referees ignoring a blatant pass interference or Kyler Murray being too short to see a wide-open Marvin Harrison, there's a good chance the Bills would be 0-1 heading into this game.

Despite that, I believe the Dolphins' offense will find success against this Buffalo defense, especially over the middle of the field. The one advantage the Dolphins have over every team in the league is speed, and simply put, Buffalo can't keep up with us. On the flip side, the Bills will also have their way running the ball on the Dolphins. Our run defense was horrible against Jacksonville, and unfortunately, I don't see that problem getting fixed on a short week. As much as the Dolphins should dominate the Bills in the air, Buffalo will counter with a strong ground game. That’s why I'm taking every James Cook prop I can get my hands on.

The total originally opened at 51 and has dropped to 48, which, in my opinion, is too low. There are reports of rain and heavy wind coming in, but as someone born and raised in South Florida, weather reports don't mean shit until the day of the game. I love the over in this game but am waiting to bet on it until I see what the weather is looking like on Thursday.

Prediction:

Buffalo 24

Miami 27