NFL Week 1 Power Rankings

Week one of the NFL is in the books, and odds are if your team is on this list, you’re probably feeling good about them. If they’re not on this list—like the New York Jets—you’re likely depressed and preparing for the worst. Could you imagine waiting two years for Aaron Rodgers to replace Zach Wilson, only for him to steal his entire flow, word for word, bar for bar? LOL, fuck the Jets.

Anyway, let's get into it. 

10. Tampa Bay Buccaneers 

LET BAKER COOK!!! I've been a Baker guy since day one, and while it's annoying to see Steven Cheah this happy, I can't help but be thrilled for Baker Mayfield. 289 yards, four touchdowns, and an 80% completion percentage? SHITTT, that boy is cold. I know they played the Commanders, but when you dominate a game from start to finish and hang up 37 points on your opponent in week one, I have no choice but to put you in the top 10.

9. Philadelphia Eagles

This was arguably the ugliest win of the week, but hey, a win’s a win. Despite the Eagles' defense not being able to stop a nosebleed, the offense seemed to be just fine. While the Tush Push might be dead, Saquon Barkley is alive and well. If Vic Fangio stops calling his defense like Joe Biden runs this country, the Birds could be a force to be reckoned with.

8. Buffalo Bills

Let’s be real—the refs gifted the Bills that game. How they didn’t call pass interference on that fourth down is beyond me. If Kyler Murray wasn’t 5'6" and could see a wide-open Marvin Harrison, the Cardinals win that game. But if my Aunt had a dick, she’d be my uncle. So, hats off to Buffalo on the comeback win. See you boys on Thursday night.

7. Baltimore Ravens

Despite having one of the most brain-dead press conferences in NFL history, the Ravens are still one of the best teams in football. Even though they lost at Arrowhead, I couldn't help but put them on the list. As good as the Chiefs were on Thursday night, the endless handouts from the refs were ridiculous—it reminded me of the calls the Patriots would get with Tom Brady. As long as the Ravens aren't playing the Chiefs, they'll be fine.

6. Miami Dolphins

I'm not going to lie, they had me in the first half. But that's why we play four quarters. For the first time in who knows how long, the Miami Dolphins reached down their pants and found their balls in the second half of a football game. Obviously, I'm happy the boys pulled out the win, but they have to play MUCH better than that if they want to beat our abusive stepfather, Josh Allen.

5. Houston Texans

Houston is a problem. Talk about turning a franchise around overnight! They are what every bottom-feeder fan dreams of when they go to sleep at night. DeMeco Ryans might have the second-largest set of balls in the league, right after Mike McDaniel. I was SHOCKED when they went for it on fourth and one, but that’s why he gets the big bucks, and I blog. Hats off to Houston for pulling out a tough win on the road against a division rival.

4. Detroit Lions

MONTYYYY!!! Watching this game took years off my life. All I needed was Montgomery to score a touchdown to cash my four-team parlay, and even though it took overtime, David Montgomery came through for the boy. Aside from cashing my lay, the Lions dominated the Rams up front. In the early months of the season, flashy teams like my Miami Dolphins will steal the show, but over time, the smash-mouth football that the Lions play will win the games that matter most.

3. Dallas Cowboys

No surprise here—much like the Dolphins, the Cowboys are the kings of September. This team could start 13-0, and I wouldn't be shocked if they lost their first playoff game. As long as it's the regular season and not the playoffs, the Dallas Cowboys will always be a top 10 team in the NFL.

2. Kansas City Chiefs

Fuck you, you're ruining football, but you're also the greatest QB I have ever seen. 

1. San Francisco 49ers

THANK YOU SAN FRANCISCO!! THANK YOU FOR MAKING THE JETS LOOK LIKE BABY BACK BITCHES!! The 49ers are a fucking unit. Even without CMC they still averages over five yards per carry last night. Unless they suffer a catastrophic injury- I don't see this team dropping below two on my power rankings this season.