If You're Not Celebrating Independence Day by Launching Cars Off a Cliff, Can You Really Claim You Love Your Country?

I'll admit that I broke my own rule, and that of all civilized society, by recording and posting my local fireworks celebration. But I had the extenuating circumstance of the citizenry being told to cancel all celebrations, and refusing to. The good, red-blooded, God-fearin' people of America's Hometown were ordered to stand down to protect some bird that is hunted in Mexico, was on the first class menu on the Titanic (according to my brother, at least), and lacks the most basic of survival instincts. 

So for sure I was proud of my countrymen. This is exactly the same brand of mass defiance that inspired the document whose signing we celebrate on the 4th of July. 

At least I thought it was. Until I saw how they roll up in the great state of Alaska:

NY Post - Instead of fireworks in the sky to mark the Fourth of July, in Alaska, there’s flying cars.

Thousands of Alaskans celebrated July 4th with their signature car launch, where more than a dozen automobiles are thrown off a cliff on a remote hillside.

The eclectic event, held in Glacier View, AK, in Matanuska-Susitna, in the south central part of the state, marked its 20th anniversary this year.

It welcomed the largest crowd in its history to watch the empty vehicles. ...

Tickets cost $20 for adults and $10 for children, and there was also pizza, sandwiches and ice cream available for spectators to purchase on the premises. ...

“It’s, to me, probably the most quintessentially American way I can think of to celebrate the 4th of July,” a man who traveled there from Florida told the outlet.

There are no lies in this Floridian's words. If Jefferson had only known such things as cars, buses and police cruisers would some day exist, he would've taken quill to parchment and mentioned our inalienable right to chuck them off a cliff right after "When in the course of human events." Those boys who fired their muskets from behind stone walls to ambush the King's soldiers at Lexington would be proud to know their act of treason would someday lead to children standing at the foot of a mountain, enjoying an ice cream on a summer night, and watching shit get wrecked. 

So thank you to those proud, hearty Americans in Alaska for showing us the way:


But it's not enough that this glorious tradition be confined to The Last Frontier. There hasn't been a boy since the invention of the toy car who, at some point, didn't launch his Matchbox or Hot Wheels off the ramp and across the room and imagine the thrill of seeing the real thing. And now it IS real. This needs to be done in all 50 states and the District of Columbia. From sea to shining sea. From California to the New York island. Mindlessly crashing vehicles was made for you and me. 

The piping plovers are on their own next year. I'm spending July 4th, 2025 in Alaska doing the holiday the way our forefathers would have.