Advertisement

I'm a Stanley Cup Champion

Sorry I took so long; I was too busy celebrating my Stanley Cup Championship yesterday. What an incredible run it’s been. If the Cats had blown that series, who knows if I’d still be here. Not because of suicide, but because I think all of South Florida would have put a bounty on my head. I had never been so nervous for a game in my entire life. The Cats were up 3-0. I went to the next three games, hoping I’d get to see them lift the cup with my own eyes. Instead, they lost all three by a combined score of 18-5. If I wasn't such a jinx, there is a 0% chance that I would have gone to games 6 and 7. The only reason why Dave sent me was because he thought me going to the game would help him stuff another million dollars in his pocket. He didn’t care about the “content”; he pretty much called me a worthless loser on the Rundown. I was sent there to mush my own team. Unfortunately for David, the series was over once the Edmonton Glizzy Gobbler, Biz, gave me a champagne shower after game 6. 

Once I got to the arena for game 7, I knew it was over. When it comes to winning game 7’s, I’m like Michael Jordan in the NBA Finals: undefeated, never lost. This wasn’t my first rodeo either. It wasn’t the first time I had to show up for a game 7 after my team blew a 3-0 lead.

Not only am I undefeated in game 7’s, but so is our boy Paul.

If there's one thing you can learn from this, it's that you don't send Nicky Smokes to a game 7 if you need the other team to win.

Now, let's talk about the best part about winning a championship, the celebration. The last time I saw one of my team win a championship I was 14 years old. When you’re 14 years old, you don’t care about going out to bars and getting hammered with your boys. The only thing you’re worried about is being the first person in line at Dick’s Sporting Goods to buy the championship shirts and hat. However, when your team wins a championship when you're 24 years old, it’s completely different. I woke up, ate one piece of bacon, saw Lord Stanley swimming in the ocean, and immediately called an Uber to Elbo Room. Within 15 minutes, I was double-fisting, standing under the railing, praying that one of the players would pour beer on my head. Unfortunately, I didn’t get my beer shower, so I made my own and dedicated it to Dave. 

Advertisement

It was a madhouse yesterday. Every small business in South Florida must have given their employees the day off because I have never seen that many people at a bar on a Tuesday in my entire life. And it wasn’t just one bar; the entire city was flooded with people. It looked like a street festival. I think the best part about boozing after a championship is that everyone is boozing for the same reason. Usually, when you go out, everyone is out for their own reasons, whether it’s someone’s birthday, bachelor party, etc. But yesterday, everyone was down for the same cause. It was beautiful. I can’t wait to do it all over again this weekend.

Advertisement

Advertisement