A Drunk Pirates Fan Was Arrested For Allegedly Breaking Into A Marina, Stealing An 82-Foot Yacht And Taking It Down The Allegheny River In Hopes Of Meeting The Pittsburgh Pirates

Listen, who among us hasn't wanted to steal a boat and heading down the river in hopes of meeting out favorite baseball team? I know that thought has crossed my mind a time or 2, but Michael Fischer actually went through with it. The crazy SOB actually did it. 

Last Friday around 8 AM police responded to a marina off the Allegheny River for a report of a stolen yacht, an 82-foot yacht to be exact. No paddle boat or kayak or anything, an 82-foot yacht. The owner of the yacht said he thinks it was a few hooligans who tried to jumpstart the boat and throw a party, he mentioned liquor bottles were everywhere and the driving manual was open on one of the beds. They were unable to start the boat so they just untied it and let it float down the river until it crashed into the river wall.

“Somehow they got onto the boat. They must have tried to start the engines because they have my diesel engine book opened on the bed, like trying to figure out how to start the engines,” he said.

Fischer apparently couldn’t figure it out. So, police say he untied the yacht, and let it drift a mile down the Allegheny River until it crashed into the river wall and nearly hit the River Rescue building.

“Thank God nobody got hurt. No damage was done. It went underneath four bridges, so thank goodness no damage was done over there. No lives were taken,” the boat captain, Adam Kernohan told Channel 11.

Police said that when they got onto the boat they found the suspect literally passed out eating nuts and with a bottle of rum. The guy really was trying to live his life as a pirate I guess. 

“He was sitting right there. Laying back. Passed out, pistachio nuts everywhere, a bottle of rum mostly all drunk, just a little left in the bottom,” Jennison added.

When Fischer was in police custody, officers say he told them, “I took the boat. I wanted to meet some Pittsburgh Pirates.”

One too many "Pirates of the Caribbean" marathons on TNT my guy, stealing a boat in hopes of meeting the members of your favorite baseball team is a bit of an aggressive move, but it truly seems like something only a Pirates fan would do. I do have a few questions though. Why did he think he would meet the Pirates? Was he taking the yacht down to PNC Park and was going to dock it right there? Did he think the Pirates lived at the ballpark? Was he looking for the Pirates on the open water? Did he think they lived out there in house boats? Was he trying to impress Oneil Cruz Jr with his brand new massive yacht? And who on the Pirates is really worthy of meeting? Cruz obviously, Paul Skenes and Livy obviously, Jared Jones is good…but that's really it. Are you really going to get a felony trying to meet Cruz and Skenes? I guess so, this yinzer had it set in his mind he was a pirate on the open seas and he was going to see some friends.

Also, do they not have the Coast Guard in Pittsburgh? I have 2 cousins in the Coast Guard, they're from Pittsburgh. Are they doing that bad of a job where a guy can just steal a massive yacht and float down the river? What's going on with sea security up there? Get it under control boys. Like the owner of the boat said, good thing he didn't float that thing into any of the bridges down here on the river, that could have been awful. And who keeps a yacht in the Allegheny? Seems like parking a Lambo in the middle of a place it shouldn't quite be. I do admit him for taking his shot, you want to meet your heroes, you do what you can to do it. Even if it involves theft of a massive yacht.