The Paris Olympics Protest is Cancelled After Cowardly Politicians Find Some Phony Excuse Not to Swim in a River of Poop

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I take a back seat to no man when it comes to my appreciation for a cheap joke made at others' expense. But jokes you will not find me making are any that have to do with the old, tiresome trope about the French being cowards. 

Have you ever heard me calling the French "Cheese eating surrender monkeys"? Nope. Have I ever implied "The French battle flag is all white"? Never. Have I ever once told the one about the used French army rifle for sale, "Never fired. Only dropped once"? Not on your life. 

Because that cliche is as inaccurate as it is lame and overused. France was Ground Zero for WWI. They sent 8 million men into battle, with 1.4 million killed and another 6 million wounded. That's a casualty rate of 71/%. By WWII, they didn't have the men at arms to wage a proper battle against the Axis war machine, and their stationary defensive lines were simply overwhelmed. Still, the Resistance and the Free French armed forces fought valiantly throughout the war. 

And yet, those brave men and women who stood up to facism would be appalled at the cowardice on display in their nation's capital today. Because while they twice took on the might of the Kaiser and then the Nazis, in 2024 elected officials have decided to cut and run at the first sign of trouble. Trouble in the form of their constituents' poop. 

This was late last month:

This was yesterday:

SB Nation - Thousands of French citizens planning to poop in the River Seine had their plans flushed down the toilet after it was announced that president Emmanuel Macron and Paris mayor Anne Hidalgo would not swim in the river as they had previously announced, citing “political reasons.”


Officials didn’t expand on the decision, instead loosely saying the swim would happen “eventually.” Many suspect the decision was prompted by online plans to poop in the Siene with scientific precision, which would have ensured floaters hit the politicians right as they planned to dive into the river on Sunday at noon.

Citizens are irate at the astronomical amount of money which is being spent to clean up the Seine with plans to use the iconic river as the venue for open water swimming at the Olympics. The Seine, which has long been connected to the Paris sewerage system, has been too polluted to swim in for over 100 years. …

Protesters saw their chance when Macron and Hidalgo announced they would swim in the Siene to prove the water is safe for the games. Plans began circulating online for a mass-pooping event, complete with maps and water-flow measurements to pinpoint exactly where people would need to poop, and when to ensure their feces would make contact with the politicians at the time of their swim.

Those hopes were dashed Friday when officials called off the event. The Seine still contains dangerously high levels of bacteria, which are almost guaranteed to make athletes sick if they spend extended periods in the river.

C'mon now. Where are the French I've been sticking up for all these years? Where's the guts? With your nation's pride on the line, you're going to give up without a fight over massively high levels of fecal matter? 

Do President Marcon and Mayor Hidalgo think for one second General DeGaulle wouldn't have swam through a river of shit like Andy Dufrense for the glory of France? That Napoleon would've have bathed in the Paris sewers if it meant defeating his arch enemy, Great Britain? Hell, we'd all be bowing to King Charles and bankrupted by taxes on tea if it wasn't for Layfeyette showing Washington's troops how to dig a proper latrine. Now the French are being led by pussies who are worried about the taxpayers sending a few thousand Finless Brownfish downstream at them. It's shameful. 

So congrats on this moral victory, good people of Paris. It's maybe slightly less effective than sticking your king's and queen's heads into a guillotine and dropping the blade. But in a way, it's just as satisfying. Good luck with them finally cleaning up your cesspool of a river just so people from other countries can show up and win medals. After this, I'm even more proud that my city told the 2028 Olympics to piss all the way off. Vive la France. Vive la libertie.