Criston Cole Is The Biggest Bitch To Ever Set Foot In Westeros And May Be The Least Likable Character In Thrones History

I'll be honest guys, every week I rack my brain on how I am going to title a House of the Dragon recap blog considering a million different things happen with characters whose names I still mess up. However I realized that every week I can just lead off with some Criston Cole slander that it will be eaten up because that big ol' bitch is the biggest bitch in all the seven kingdoms. 

Thrones fans have watched literal and figurative monsters do the most decrepit shit that George RR Martin's twisted brain could dream up. Yet I still think all of them have a more fans than Criston Cole. At least you can make a case that people like Joffrey Baratheon and Ramsey Bolton were evil out the womb, while the Night King was created from the magic of the planet to do what he did. But there is nothing redeeming about Criston Cole. He's just a pouty, selfish fuccboi whose actions have completely fucked up the lives of everyone in the show. I truly believe the only Criston Cole "fans" are people that just are trying to be contrarians.

If I was forced at gunpoint to say one nice thing about Criston Cole, I would probably just tell them to pull the trigger. However, even I must admit that Criston must have the magic stick/tongue/finger because he is The Queenslayer in the bedroom.

Some other quick thoughts on last night's episode:

- I had no clue which twin was which during that entire fight and even hearing Erryk or Arryk didn't help because I didn't know which one was Team Green and Team Black. To be honest, I still didn't know who won the fight since you could make a case either would sacrifice himself after being hit with the grief of murdering his own twin, which impressively is NOT the most fucked up thing we have seen this season.

Luckily, we have clarification for what exactly happened.



- Also no offense to Rhaenyra, but if she wants to live long enough to see the end of this civil war, she needs to approve her Awareness rating above 0 when there is someone trying to murder her in her room.

- Look, I don't want to criticize what someone does when they are grieving their deceased child who was just beheaded in his crib. But killing all the rat catchers simply because ONE of them was involved in the murder seems a tad extreme because the only thing worse than outliving a child is living amongst rats.


- I may be Team Black, but I think Aemond Targaryen is awesome with a chance to be an all-time great. Pretty much the Anthony Edwards of Westeros. But last night was Aemond's Game 1 of the Western Conference Finals against the Mavericks. Not only did he refuse to go on the offensive with the biggest dragon on the planet after his nephew was murdered in cold blood. But it was an outright ugly performance all around where he was essentially begging his Real Housewives girlfriend not to have sex with him.

- I have hated pretty much everything Otto Hightower has done since this series started, but I do respect him realizing just how much he fucked up putting his daughter and nitwit grandkids in charge. Getting fired as Hand of the King and replaced by bum ass Criston Cole feels like a fair comeuppance for that dickhead.

- Finally I would like to thank the Old Gods and the New for not allowing that baby's head to jostle loose when the funeral carriage went into that ditch. I know most shows would never dream of showing such a thing. But most shows aren't based on the work of this sick son of a bitch.

Tolga Akmen. Shutterstock Images.

For more Dragons talk, check out this week's Game of Stools that airs live immediately on all My Mom's Basement channels after every HotD episode ends.