Forget basketball, here's the real NYC vs Chicago matchups I want:


Buckle up everyone, because we're about to start a multi-month "unathletic white people talk shit about basketball" road trip for the ages. Hope you have your snacks and used the bathroom, because boy let me tell ya, having Chief and Klemmer yell at each other about basketball is going to be a DOOZY.

It is very funny, obviously, that a core piece of Barstool lore is employees either hash out rivalries by competing in one of two things: Rap battling or basketball. And it looks like there is a basketball beef underway, as after NYC played Kirk's team, Chicago wanted in on the action. 

My understand of it is this- the NYC vs Chicago challenge has been put out there for months, but the top brass have not allowed it. So it's not really Nicky Smokes or Mooks fault they didn't know about it, but the challenge was made many moons ago. But now it looks like nobody can stop this train. I mean we have Nicky calling Doogs "Doog Wipes". I guess he won't play after being submitted to the burn unit for that one, but that's alright.

I'm sure this game will happen and I'm sure it'll be entertaining, as was the NYC/Kirk game. But this whole thing got me to thinking- what other NYC/Chicago matchups should we see? 

So forget basketball, here's the real NYC vs Chicago matchups I want:

Me vs Mintzy (Poker)

Kind of a no-brainer. If Dave is going to keep ducking me playing heads up, let's do me vs Mintzy. We can have Davey NYC on my side and Windy City Big Cat on Mintzy's. Play for stupid stakes that neither of us can afford, playing for bonuses for our entire repsective office. Brilliant. 

Mush vs WSD (Baseball)

I don't know if these guys have squared off in baseball before, but I know Mush has been getting hits off of MLB pitchers, and I know WSD has talked a huge game about his baseball prowess and how he would be in the show if only the coach put him in. They can do a baseball decathlon- pitching, hitting, fielding, long throw, running the bases, all of it. See who the best pure baseball player is out of them. Winner gets custody of the loser's last remaining brain cell.

Nicky Smokes vs John Rich (Drugs)

Nicky Smokes talks nonstop about "dumping sack" which I'm led to believe is cocaine. I laugh heartedly how openly he tweets about his fondness for drugs. John Rich, on the other hand, has done it all. He talked all about it on an episode of the YAK- Bro was living out of a van doing every drug he could get his fingers on. Nicky thinks he's the true drug guy of Barstool? Let's find out.

Dante vs Meek Phil (Horniness)

This is honestly the showdown of the century. This is bigger than Cena/Rock or Tyson/Holyfield. Just the horniest guys on the planet in a horny-off. I don't really know the rules or stipulations, but somehow we'll find out who is hornier. I think Dante is more outwardly horny, but Meek strikes me as a guy who pays for tokens on adult entertainment sites. Glenny Balls will be the special guest referee in this matchup, nobody knows horny like Balls.

Joey vs Mook (Blowing dudes)

I'll be honest, I don't think Mook is gay, but it is pride month and everything I see of Mook is him getting rejected by chicks, so maybe this is the wake up call he needs to find his true (fabulous) self. Mook has every right to decline this one, because again, I'm pretty sure he's straight. But I also do not know who in the Chicago office is gay besides Big Cat, so Mook might have to fill in for the boss and see if he can dethrone Joey.

Big T and Chief vs Francis (2 on 1 Condescending-off)

Have you ever seen Big T play the Dozen? The question could be "When is Mad Dog's birthday?", she could answer with her birthday, and then he would ask her 3 times how sure she is. I love Big T but boy can he be condescending. And NYC of course has Francis. When Francis wants to be the king of all things condescending, nobody is better. So to even if up, Chicago also gets to use Chief in this. Any time there's a lull, Chief has the opportunity to say something smug. 

Keegs vs Kate (Whatever girls do, periods or w/e)

It would be rude not to have a woman's competition, so Keegs vs Kate have to do some girl shit vs each other. Paint their nails or whatever girls do, I'm obviously not very familiar with their kind. I'm just fair and balanced, and need to make sure I'm being inclusive to all. 

So there you have it. I'm sure the hoops game will rock, but maybe we add in a few more contests to sweeten the pot.