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Great News: Pods Of Killer Whales Have Now Been Spotted Off The Coast Of Cape Cod

Lovely. Just lovely. I remember growing up my parents used to bitch and moan about how much of a pain in the ass it was to get to The Cape. God forbid you had to sit in 45 minutes of traffic to enjoy some of the most beautiful beaches this country has to offer. Looking back, I now realize it wasn't the traffic that was the issue. It was the three ungrateful bastards in the back seat asking "when are we going to be there" every five seconds. Yet despite it all, year after year, we piled in the family truckster and made or way down route 6 to the promise land. Why? Because there was light at the end of the tunnel. Aka: the beach. Well,,,,,,,those days are over. No, not because my siblings and I are adult children who can only take each other in doses, but because there are GODDAMN KILLER WHALES IN THE WATER. And not the friendly depressed ones you see at SeaWorld. I'm talking stiff-finned, 10,000 pound, alpha HBIC's that would make Tilikum look like a beta cuck...

No thank you. I'll do my cooling off by the hotel pool. I was fine with when it was just the shahks, but the Orca's are too much. They're too smart and too powerful. And yes, I understand that only one was spotted on camera, but these are not solitary creatures. Where there's one, there are ten. They work together to hunt their prey and that's not something I'm trying to fuck with no matter how unlikely it is to happen. Which is why I felt comfortable enough to say that a "pod" is nearby…because it is. 

So I guess this is the end of an era…at least for me. I will no longer be entering the balmy waters of Cape Cod for fear of being ripped limb to limb by not one, but two different apex predators. Sucks. Now if anyone has a pool I can use, feel free to reach out in the DMs. Thanks.