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The Official Fast Food Fries Rankings From Your Resident Fat Guy

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Let's not beat around the bush here. Fries are awesome. Cut up a potato in any shape or form, throw it in a deep fryer and you're gonna produce a greasy, delectable treat. Just sensational. My colleague Will Compton decided to dabble in the fries raking game and I'm afraid he got himself into a bit of a pickle here, and by pickle I mean his fries rankings were atrocious. 

I was disgusted when I saw this list. If McDonalds aren't at the top of your list you lose all credibility off the rip. Some might say clueless. I was almost offended a man that dedicated as much of his life as Will has to fitness is even allowed to have such strong opinions on fried foods. So I had to give him a piece of my mind and make my own rankings. 

Now without further ado, here are your definitive rankings of fast food fries. If you disagree I won't argue with you, you're simply uneducated on the topic and just flat out incorrect. 

1) McDonald's

The gold standard for fast food fries. Truly elite and without question the most consistent. In the fast food game you're going to get bad batches every now and then but McDonald's delivers time and time again. When they're good they're great and even when they're bad they're still good. Do the math.

2) Arby's

The curly fries from Arby's are special. Rarely undercooked and something you don't get super often but they slap when called upon. Who doesn't love a good curly fry? Created it's own lane in the fast food game and has separated themselves as an elite fry.

3) Whataburger

Similar fry to McDonald's. Thin and crispy. Growing up in New York I never had them until taking a few trips to Texas for work but they are a phenomenal fry. Always well cooked and travel decently well all things considered. Spicy ketchup is a nice touch as well. 

4) Five Guys

One of the more controversial fries. On the thiccccc side of things so they have more vulnerability of being undercooked but in my experience Five Guys way more than not gets the job done. Cajun fries also a big plus for them. Love some good seasoning on my fries. You bland ass honkeys wouldn't get it. 


5) Checkers/Rallys 

A big sleeper but if you know, you know. Little bit of a unique taste but gotta give checkers/rallys their due justice, they come correct when it comes to throughly cooking their fries. 

6) Chick Fil A

Waffle fries when done right are fantastic but due to thiccness can be undercooked. Also you get those end of the potato pieces that are always undercooked and total duds in your fries order. Holds them back for me. 

7) Burger King 

They blew it. There was a point in time when BK had elite fries and then they just fumbled the bag immensely. I don't know if they changed CEO's or were trying to cut cost but whatever they did they fucked up. Changed a winning formula and they've been downhill ever since. Their onions rings are much better than the fries.

8) In N Out

Garbage fries. Absolute trash. Most overrated fast food establishment in the history of mankind. Burger is average at best but west coast people act like it's god's gift to earth. Just bad all around.

9) Wendy's

Seems to be by far my most controversial take in these rankings but I'm standing ten toes down on it. Elite chicken nuggets, but that's a story for another day. Wendy's fries are dog shit. Bad taste, constantly undercooked, travel poorly in comparison to others on the list. Always underwhelming. 

10) Shake Shack

Last and certainly least in my humble opinion. Fries so bad it stops me from ordering what I consider to be a very solid shake shack burger. Thick (with a k because it's a bad thick), crinkle cut, always undercooked and always flavorless. If I was homeless dying on the street I'd rather starve to death than eat a shake shack French fry. The absolute WOAT.