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Would You Take All Your Teams Winning In a Calendar Year If They Never Won Agin In Your Life?

Nothing fuels a fire quite like arguing over things that'll never happen. In my 24 years of life, I've seen three NBA championships, one World Series, two national championships, and zero Miami Dolphins playoff wins. The two national championships, the one World Series, and one of the three NBA championships all took place when I was learning times tables, so they don't even count. I think you have to be at least 12 years old to count a championship. Your early teens are probably the best years for your team to win because you're just the ultimate fanboy, but winning championships from the ages of 21-35 has to be fucking elite. 

Last year, the Florida Panthers and the Miami Heat were making finals runs at the same time, and I'll be the first to admit, it was the longest bender of my life. Every other day our teams were playing, and we as fans had to do our part; the players play and the fans booze. Was I fighting demons for three weeks? Yes, but was it worth it? Absolutely. The only thing that sucks is that both teams lost, but what if they had won?

I would genuinely be scared for my life if all my favorite teams won in one calendar year. It would be a never ending bender. Think about it:


As you all know, this is when the college football national championship game is played. Sure, I might lie to myself and say I'm doing dry January but if the Florida Gators won the National Championship I would even waste my breath lying to myself. I'd be popping bottles, dumping sack, and laying pipe. That celebration would last at least a week giving three weeks of important rest for the biggest moment of my life.


Don’t worry, I already put on my clown makeup before I wrote this. I don’t even know why I’m wasting my time thinking about it, but if the Miami Dolphins ever won the Super Bowl in my lifetime, I would be hammered every single day for at least three months. No one would be able to tell me shit. I’m 24 years old and have never seen them win a playoff game, never mind a Super Bowl. I don’t know what I would do, to be honest. I’m actually scared of the level of demon time I would tap into. I’d probably be hooked up to an IV bag for at least a month, which would help me prepare for what’s next.


Rest. But not really because I'd be watching March Madness and boozing with my boys. 


At this point in the calendar year, my stomach has been pumped twice, both my football teams are champions, and now the Florida Gators are the national champions of college basketball? Lol. Even the thought of this happening is so fucking awesome. 


Panthers/Heat playoff runs.


This is where shit gets scary. I already have three championships under my belt, and now I'm adding two more in the same month? LOL. This is where I apply for another credit card and worry about paying it off over the next three years. It’s one thing to win a championship in a state like Oklahoma, but if South Florida won two titles at the same time, the city would never sleep. Club LIV, E11even, Space, the Wharf—every fucking bar and club in the city would be off its rocker. FUCKKKK the more I write this the more I want this to happen. 




As fucked up as it sounds, I couldn’t care less if the Marlins ever win again. I simply cannot watch baseball, but it would be sick to go 6/6. Would I pop off? Yes, but only for a day. It’s the shit talking I’d have over my friends and family for the rest of my life that matters most.

So to answer Big Cat’s question, yes, I would 100% take all my teams winning in one calendar year, even if it meant they wouldn’t win again. It would be the greatest year of my entire life, especially if it happened during this phase of my life. Please, God, at least give me just one this year.