I Did My Best Barstool Employee Impersonations

Not to suck my own dick or anything but I killed this shit. It's important to know that all of these came from a place of love, even the one about Dante being 40 years old and not having a girlfriend. If I had to rank them from best to worst it would go as follows:

1. Jersey Jerry

If you know Jerry, you know that money is always on his mind. If it's not football season, the only thing Jerry is thinking about is how he can grease his pockets. The only problem is he still hasn't found the loophole to avoid paying taxes but I'm sure he'll find a way.

2. Marty Mush

This one was too good. I had to text him after I posted it to let him know that it wasn't personal. If I was in his shoes I'd do the same thing too. Why be a sugar daddy when you can have a sugar momma?

3. Dana Beers

Nothing says Dana Beers like a brain dead idiot who also loves Pirate Water.

4. Big Cat

Anyone who's worked at Barstool knows that if you see Big Cat with his feet up looking at his phone, there's no chance he's answering you.

5. Big T

The kid is always locked in. It takes anyone at least 3-4 months to crack his force field but once you do, you see why he's the man. Plus, he's a G, he didn't sue the company.

6. TJ

So proud of TJ and his weight loss journey, but I know game. He knows the hoes eat those treadmill pics up.

7. Fastoolie

That fucking grin gets me every time. He's like an NPC, he only says two things: "Viva" "Just doing my job"

8. Malasek

Dirty pig needs to take a fucking shower WITH soap.