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HOLY SHIT, American Gladiators Is Being Rebooted On Amazon Prime

Tony Duffy. Getty Images.

THR- The gladiators are set to return to the arena … this time for Prime Video.

The Amazon-owned streaming service says that it has picked up a reboot of the classic competition series American Gladiators, with a nationwide search now underway for contestants to take on the professional gladiators in the custom-built arena.

The arena will include brand new challenges, as well as some classics from the original series like “Gauntlet,” “Hang Tough,” and “The Eliminator.”

FINALLY Jeff Bezos is using his billions of dollars to make the world a better place. Well I guess being able to get pretty much anything on the planet in two days is pretty sweet and Bezos' actual life seems decent considering every time I see a picture of him, he is on a yacht the size of a football field with his lovely alive girl fiance.

Nonetheless, I have been waiting for American Gladiators to come back since…well since they brought it back in 2008 with Hulk Hogan and it sucked.

It technically wasn't that kinda suck, but that gif pretty much tells the story like countless other reboots of beloved favorites.

However that doesn't mean it has to suck this time! Far from it. I feel like being on a streaming service owned by a bazillion dollar company allows them to do things that you can't get away with on network TV or cable. Which is why I have put together a list of my Top 5 things that the new American Gladiators has to do to make sure it's awesome like the OG American Gladiators of the 90s and doesn't suck like the 2008 American Gladiators.

1. Steroids Are Not Only Allowed But Are Mandatory

Giphy Images.

It's a pretty simple equation when it comes to sports. Steroids = Awesome. I did a Dog Walk draft a few weeks ago where we put together the greatest teams of all-time by picking a lead off hitter, a slugger, a starter, a closer, and a manager. 

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You know what we realized after roughly 2 hours of talking about baseball? How much better baseball was when steroids were running rampant and dingers were flying out of parks. Same goes for American Gladiators. If I want to see ordinary people struggle through athletic events, I'll tune into the latest Barstool competition. American Gladiators should have the vibes of Gladiator where you can watch a person get mauled to death by another person Maximus Decimus Meridius style.

Giphy Images.

2. Let The Gladiators Be Themselves

Giphy Images.

Behind the steroid use, this is by far the most important thing on my list. If you are hiring a bunch of juiced up maniacs that refer to themselves with names like Nitro, Thunder, and Ice whose job is to literally annihilate folks in the name of sport, don't button them up or turn them into a PG rated cartoon. Let them shoot off the hip and be XTREEEEEME like a commercial from the late 90s. You will either get some incredible hyped up moments, some unintentional roid rage comedy on par with the early Jersey Shore days, or more than likely both.

Actually, now that I think about it…

3. Fuck It, Start A Behind The Scenes Reality Show With The Gladiators

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I watched the first couple of episodes of this doc and couldn't believe how much gold was lost to it being behind the scenes or off camera with sex, drugs, and rock & roll being a centerpiece to everything. Again, I feel like having this on Prime means you can show the realest reality show ever, which would be a ratings bonanza.

4. Bring Back All The Best Games

Assault, Atlasphere, Joust, Powerball, and of course The Eliminator are Must Haves. I was never a huge fan of Human Cannonball. But based on the way the Gladiators talked about it, that sounded like a gnarly event that would really fuck up everyone's body, so maybe we can bring that back. I'm also not against stealing some events from The Challenge back from when it was good. Yes, I'm talking about Hall Brawl.

While we are talking about The Challenge, can we turn some of our favorite cast members from The Challenge into Gladiators? I know some of them are old, but that's nothing the league mandated steroids can't fix (there's no chance this show will get insured but it's not my money, it's Jeff Bezos').

5. Keep The Theme And Turn It The Fuck UP!!!

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There aren't a lot of songs that could hold its weight with the wrestling songs of the 90s, but the American Gladiators theme was one of them. It was full of prestige and power, which were probably two of the Gladiator names on the shitty 2008 show.