Finally, A Perfect MLB Rule Change* - Pick 3 Players To Do Steroids At The Start Of Each Season

Julio Aguilar. Getty Images.

*Potential rule change based on this proposal: 

I've said this for a long time but I don't believe in any isolated blog. So here we go. This is my #1 fix to MLB that touches on a bunch of different things, and it's quite simple. 

Each team picks 3 players from the 40-man roster that can use whatever PED's they want. No testing or penalties. Only 3 players and you pick them on New Year's Eve, 11:30pm central time. I won't even ask for primetime EST programming, and even so that's not the point. 

The point is steroids rock and they should absolutely be back in baseball. 

Everyone gets hurt these days and it's not because they're pussies. It's because they can't properly juice their bodies to maximum strength, and the torque required to play this game is too much on a standard-issue human body. That's the general ethos, but we need concrete data to back it up. Side-by-side, objective analysis that can prove the benefits of using steroids in baseball. 


That's the big picture, but we don't even need to worry about it. The immediate impact of rolling out a 3-man anabolic steroid rotation is much more tangible and so much better. 

As a Cubs fan, I'm instantly looking to the bullpen for at least one spot. Our bullpen sucks and I would like to see someone throw 103 with a plus breaking ball 4-straight days. So give me one Eric Gagne please. 

That leaves two spots. 

Next up is Christopher Morel -  you need at least one Dominican on steroids and Christopher Morel is the perfect canidate. Wiry and explosive. He already has major power but could obviously use more. I'd like to see him evolve into a stolen base threat and maybe take the reigns as a true 50/50 threat from the DH spot. The fact he's below-average defensively kinda holds me back, but then I start thinking about Sammy Sosa and it all clicks. I want Morel on the sauce. 

Finally, my last roster spot for PEDs is going to someone with strike zone discipline. Someone who is very good but needs the power boost. Someone with the demeanor that can handle the rage spikes and obvious physical side effects, and that is very obviously Nico Hoerner. To see him add Jeff Kent's power mustache without limiting the range or baserunning? That's an ideal combination. 

Starting pitching is appealing but I can't have a guy blow an elbow. I can't risk one of the 3 juicers on a position that plays 1 every 5 games. I need to have my steroids on the field, making an impact every single day. 

Honorable mention would be Pete Crow Armstrong, the rookie sensation outfielder that needs about 2-3 years to develop at the MLB level. I want to give him steroids but I don't trust he's good enough to get the most benefit. You need guys that already know the speed of the game. 

That's why my best runner-up would be Mike Tauchman, but he might be better clean and angry. 

Reasoning my way through, I get to this: 

1. Bullpen

2. Athletic power/speed

3. Strike zone discipline/high contact 

That's the Cubs though. 

Yankees would have to use all 3 spots on the starting rotation. Red Sox need it up the middle of the field. Mets need old school amphetamines for everyone. Dodgers would be cool to see them stack it 1-2-3 Mookie-Freddie-Shohei. 

There's a lot of combinations, obviously. I just want to open the conversation and see if anyone has the right way to strategize steroids back into baseball. 

That would be awesome. 

For more on why steroids rock: