Fuck, Marry, Kill: Nickelodeon Game Show Obstacle Courses
Yes, that's right. Let that sweet feeling of nostalgia wash over you. I haven't thought about these shows in awhile, but yesterday, I went to the matinee showing of The Life And Slimes Marc Summers - a one man show by national treasure, Indiana legend, and the former host of Nickelodeon's Double Dare, Marc Summers. The show was incredible. The performance details his upbringing, personal struggles with crippling OCD, and experiences working on a variety of television shows - heavily highlighting Double Dare. I laughed, I got a little teary eyed, but most importantly, I got to participate in a double dare physical challenge.
That's right, my childhood dream came true. I got to be a contestant on the messiest kid's show of all time. Before the show you could put your name in a fish bowl, and at random they'd draw a name to come up and participate. I was lucky enough to be picked, and I got to catch catapulted whipped cream pies inside a pair of massive clown overalls. I was truly living the dream. BUT, it got me thinking. Of all the Nickelodeon game shows I would have cut my arm off to participate in when I was a kid, what final challenge from the Big 3 Nickelodeon game shows would I want to do the most?
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FUCK: Legends Of The Hidden Temple - temple run
The set design for LOTHT looked unbelievably cool, you felt like these kids were actually in the jungle visiting a real temple, and believed Olmec was actually some ancient Aztec god. I would have loved to be a Blue Barracuda competing in the challenges, dominating the stupid Green Monkeys. The Temple Challenge is the best final challenge of all of these, but there is one problem - the temple guards. Those fuckers were absolutely terrifying. There were articles that came out years later where kids said they were traumatized by these dudes popping out from behind a trap doors while they searched for the 3 pieces of the Shrine of the Silver Monkey. I would have been no different than these kids. Probably would have shit my pants when one of these maniacs leaped from the shadows. I'd marry this show, but it would be too stressful. Temple Run is a wild one night stand where you get your rocks off, but you realize her kink of brining a knife into the bedroom and putting it to your throat during sex isn't really your idea of a good time.
MARRY: Double Dare - obstacle course
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Double Dare had the best of both worlds - challenges & trivia. The physical challenges were always messy and simple, but as a competitor, I wanted to win them all, because winning them all meant you got to compete on the Double Dare obstacle course. Nothing looked more fun than grabbing the flags, and tucking them in your shirt as you went down a slide of slime, passed through a giant ear filled with with goopy gunk, or getting on your hands and knees to sift through a giant ice cream sundae. Double Dare obstacle course was simplest of the 3, but it always looked like the most fun. Everyone was always smiling and having a good time. That's what you're looking for in a marriage a steady, dependable relationship you can grow old with.
KILL: Guts - Aggro Crag
I decided to kill Guts, despite John Rich pointing out it's the most fuckable game show name …
If you would have told me as a kid that the Guts trophy was a real moon rock, I would have believed you. The only thing I wanted more than that trophy was to listen to referee, Mo, lay down the rules. Her British accent did it for me, despite having no idea what "it" was. Competing in Guts challenges would have ruled because it had the best challenges, but we are talking final challenges here. Fighting snow storms and rock slides while slapping on the flashing lights as you climb to the top of the Aggro Crag looked awesome, but the challenge was over too quickly and it was only one simple task. The other final challenges were multi-faceted, and more interesting. The Aggro-Crag looked fun, but was over too quickly. So unfortunately, it had to go.
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