Do Not Run A Half Marathon Without Training

So, a long time ago, before I was ever running for Congress or traveling to East Africa to coach football, I was asked if I wanted to do a half marathon. I totally agreed because we were going to go to a bar and have a party after that, which sounded like a really good beer. A post-half-marathon beer is way better than an unearned beer. So I said yes and then forgot about it till I was reminded about two weeks before. It was a complete future-me problem that l knew was coming, and I was not going to be able to do anything about it two weeks before because there was no substitute for months of training. 

At that point, I realized that if I trained, I would actually be at more risk of getting hurt than just ripping it with no training, and if I got hurt, I would just limp it out. I had to have at least a couple of miles before I started breaking down. The only prep I did in the week running up was not boozing. That was huge. 

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So I drank tons of fluids the day before and stretched a lot. I went for a 2-mile jog just to get the blood pumping and I ate a shit ton of pasta because when do you have the excuse to muck like 2 lbs of pasta? Absolutely. Then woke up at 5 am and got to the starting line where everyone was legit shitting themselves. I do not understand why thousands of people could not just shit at home and were cramming themselves into the porta potties right before the race. This brings me to my next point: definitely bring an extra pair of underpants. Davis Clarke gave me a heads-up. 

He ran a marathon and shit his pants; he looks like he runs a lot, so who knows how bad your bowels can give out on you if you don't train. 

Yeah so then I just started running and lowkey blacked out. I didn't really get Runner's High per se, but I did kinda get Runner's Blackout. I just kind of started running and put on 2 friends' big booty mix 13, and as you can see from the progression of what happened in this Instagram post, you deteriorate fast.

I only remember coming to when I had to switch Big Bootie mix 13 to 14, and then 20 minutes later, I had finished the race. I may have totally run over some people in the last stretch after mile 13. I just had to finish the race, and I don't know why the fuck you would be on your phone in the last mile when you should be emptying the gas. 

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Well, I ran it and did not poop myself. As you can see, I have proof in the video. 

So why am I saying don't run without training? Because I couldn't walk, I may have torn the labrum in my hip; I was way too heavy to be moving that fast for that long, and I ended up shitting myself actually later in the day. All the running just blends whatever is inside you up and is prone to leakage. If I were ever to do this again, I would probably run at least 10 miles at least once in preparation for the race. The one superpower was lowkey having a buckled septum and putting on a breathing strip. I feel like due to how fucked my nose is. I naturally have one of those altitude training masks because I cannot breathe through my nose.

Shutterstock Images.

So when I put on that nasal strip, it feels like I am getting straight grade A 100% oxygen just hitting my brain and filling my lungs. It has really convinced me to get that nose surgery. 

So by all means, you can do really well not training for a half marathon. I mean I lowkey ran a full one on a treadmill in 24 hours. I now may have to run a real marathon with no training just to show I can. The thing is, so many people make running like this their personality, and I kind of want these endurance sport athletes to realize they are nerds and real athletes can do the same stuff. They just played real sports and don't have the inclination to.