Keon Coleman Is The Perfect Buffalo Bill After Revealing He Buys His Jackets On Sale From Macy's During The Summer, Had The Chef's Number From His Waffle House Stored In His Phone, And Ended His Press Conference Eating Wegman's Cookies
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That's it! I've seen enough! No offense to Steven Cheah and the rest of the people grading the NFL Draft before the players even sign their contracts. Keon Coleman was an A+++++++ draft pick by the Buffalo Bills.
Sure it would be nice if Keon could one day replace Stefon Diggs' production on the field without the headaches off of it or become the player Gabe Davis was in the games he tickled his fantasy managers' balls with 20+ point performances instead of the following weeks where he would consistently punch said managers in the dick. But at this point, Bills fans just needed a juju cleansing in the receiver room and everything embedded above from Elon Musk's Xwitter will have those Western New York Wildlings grinning ear-to-ear, which is something they haven't been able to do much of following the massacre of their roster this offseason.
Keon's 40 time may not be pretty by NFL standards, but having a guy who knows when and where to bargain shop jackets for the unholy chaos that comes with lake effect snow is the kind of person the salt of the Earth people of Buffalo can get behind. As someone that lost a jacket, a phone, AND an iPod to the Buffalo winter during the only Bills game I attended, I can promise Keon he will need multiple coats to survive what Mother Nature has in store for him. As a dad, I've embraced the old strategy of buying multiple versions of your favorite clothes/shoes because if it ain't broke, don't fix it. The fact Keon can show off that type of shopping savviness despite not having any children and being on the verge of becoming a multimillionaire proves he is wise beyond his years, which is something that usually shows up on the field and in the film room as well.
In addition to outerwear and ball, Bills fans clearly know food and will love a guy who wrapped up his first NFL press conference by making a beeline to the snack spread and knew to pick out some fresh baked Wegman's cookies (I'm forever a Stew Leonard's guy but I #RE2PECT the hell out of Wegman's).
Keon also showed incredible preparation by having the number of his Waffle House's chef in his phone, which can figuratively and maybe even literally save your life at any hour of the day and night. However, it was Team Ziti-like takes on the local cuisine that will endear Keon to his new fanbase.
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It doesn't look like Waffle House has made its way into the Empire State yet. But Keon will be just fine considering his beast of a McDonald's order will travel to pretty much any state or country where Goodell will ship the Bills to play a game.
Pairing the heat of the spicy chicken sandwiches with the coolness of a McFlurry while piling up fries and McNuggets (the two best items at McDonald's in my humble opinion) is a level of culinary expertise you simply do not teach. In case all that wasn't enough, Keon also aligned himself with the perfect pre-draft sponsor for the team that selected him.
Add all that up and it's hard not to declare the Bills winners in the draft since oh yeah, Keon can also do crazy shit like this on the gridiron while being fueled by all that Mickey D's.
I just remembered that this is who the Bills picked up immediately after the draft, which may be the best pick of the undrafted free agents since I fully expect him to play until Keon Coleman has kids and those kids become pros.