Father's Day Collection | T-Shirts, Hats, Polos, Crewnecks, Q-Zips and MoreSHOP NOW


"Vampire Facials" -And We Aint Talkin Taylor Lautner- Are Giving Spa-Goers Just A Dash of HIV According To The CDC

domoyega. Getty Images.

A cosmetic process known as a "vampire facial" is considered to be a more affordable and less invasive option than getting a facelift, but the process can be a serious health hazard if done in unsanitary conditions, according to a new report.

That proved to be the case for three women who likely contracted HIV from receiving vampire facials at an unlicensed spa in New Mexico, making the first known cases of the virus being transmitted during a cosmetic injection procedure, according to the findings published Thursday by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. 

I absolutely love all the new ways people are keeping their skin fresh. Look, I'm not a good skin guy. I've had dandruff most of my adult life. I've tried tea tree shit, head and Shoulders, Would Grooming shampoo, and countless others. I've even done banana masks which led to a horrific eye incident and none of those seem to work. (don't click if you're a little bitch)


I'm at the point where I will try damn near anything. After all, beauty always comes with a price and these people getting a little HIV are no different. Now, I know what you're asking. 

"Hey Chaps, you insignificant cunt, what is a vampire facial?" Well, you see, when two vampires love each other very much, they lie down together to watch a movie. Slowly, their hands begin to touch. A spark ignites a flame in their bellies. They begin rubbing their finger on the finger of their new interest. Breaths are heavy. Hearts are pounding. The next thing you know, the vampires are making out. Stopping for a second, one of the vampires says to the other, "Pull your cock out and I'll suck it. When you are about to bust, do so on my face. I enjoy that."

Historically, that's what a vampire facial is. The vampire facial that gives some people HIV is not that. It's got nothing to do with blow jobs. 

Giphy Images.

 The HIV vampire facials, also known as Platelet-Rich Plasma therapy, is a procedure that involves drawing a small amount of blood from the patient, using science to process it into an isolate the platelet-rich plasma (whatever that means), and then injecting it back into the patient's face. Platelets in the plasma contain growth factors that can stimulate collagen production, improve skin texture, and rejuvenate the skin. At least that's what ChatGBT says and I trust that site with my entire life which is why I don't do vampire facials. 

You see, ChatGBT goes on to say that, "while some people claim to see improvements in their skin texture and appearance after getting vampire facials, scientific evidence supporting its effectiveness is limited. Some small-scale studies have suggested potential benefits in terms of skin rejuvenation and wound healing, but more research is needed to fully understand the efficacy and safety of this procedure."


That being said, each person is entitled to do whatever kind of facial they want. If they want to put breast milk on their faces, fine. 

Or if they wanna do cum, I'm ok with that. 

So feel free to go get the vampiring of a lifetime. By all means, get your skin in order but just know that you could possibly get HIV if you go to a vampire clinic that is not keeping with the highest of hygienic standards. 

You have been so warned.