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Barstool Basketball Pulls Off A Tie Game, And Finds Out It's Much Worse Than Kissing Your Sister

No rest for the wicked, it was all hands on deck last night for the Barstool basketball team. With nearly half the roster unable to attend the 3rd game of the season due work obligations, Barstool sprinted the first leg of a marathon game, only come across the finish line with a tie. 

Not only were multiple players absent, head coach Chris Klemmer was also forced to miss what would be an emotionally charged game. Taking the reins, and making the difficult decisions for the evening would be assistant coach Jack Kennedy, who was put in charge of piecing together a starting 5 that was down 2 integral starters, and several key role players. The depleted roster welcomed the challenge, and embraced the next man up mentality. 


OUT: Rico Bosco, Wayne Jestki, Jack McGuire, Nick Mulcahy, Billy Football ( bold = starters)

Rookies Tommy Smokes and Matthew Jenks were called upon for increased roles in their first career starts. Off the bench, Gia Mariano and John Rich were essential pieces of interim coach Kennedy's game plan. While Kennedy comes from the Klemmer coaching tree, there were immediately noticeable differences in coaching philosophy. Right off the bat, interim coach Kennedy was able to create charts that were sent to the team and media via electronic device. Meanwhile, Klemmer has never done this due to spending most of his life without electricity, in a sod house, during the Dust Bowl era. 

Charts weren't the only noticeable difference, during pregame warm ups, players commented on how Kennedy brought a relaxed energy to the team. It's untelling what brought this change, whether it was through the interim coach's demeanor, or his non-traditional basketball wardrobe of an American southwest drug rug style shirt, shorts, and tennis shoes, BUT the player's appreciated the juxtaposition to Klemmer's fancy, non-tailored department store suits, and hard nose approach to winning. 

Despite being down a multitude of players, co-captains Dana Beers and Marty Mush showed that as long as they are on the court, this team is a threat. The two veteran players were like a jazz musicians, improvising something beautiful on the fly. What they were composing might not have been considered a masterpiece, and sometimes they were offbeat, but the duo was able to create music. 

Dana and Marty were the leads of the ensemble, while the rest of the band had their moments to step up and shine. 

Tommy Smokes put up several shots that didn't go in, but the shots were some of the purest missed shots this reporter has ever seen. Defensive specialist Matthew Jenks not only drew the team's first successful charge call of the season, he forced several turnovers by going all out balls to the wall. At one point, when chasing after a loose ball, Jenks did a fully extended dive headfirst into the opponents bench. It was incredible to witness. Like brain damage, rec league glory is forever. 

Barstool was absolutely working the opposing team, who were forced to rely on gimmick tactics like "counting down a fake shot clock" in an attempt to shift the momentum of the game. Despite this petty tactic, shooting guard Mariano was able to splash a last second 3 point shot before halftime. Energy couldn't have been higher going into the locker room. 

The Barstool basketball team went into halftime with a 7 point lead, but more importantly confidence that they could get the job done despite their skeleton crew roster. Morale couldn't have been higher when coach Kennedy busted out a Tupperware container full of tangerine slices for the team to fuel up on. Tommy Smokes was quick to point out that Coach Klemmer NEVER brings special treats. 

Unfortunately for the team, halftime broke momentum. The increased workload had the team looking drained. Being forced to play Tom Thibodeau minutes wore down the entire roster. Players without the ball stopped moving, and the team started forcing up shots. This allowed the other team to creep back into the game. 


While the buckets weren't falling in the second half, it was the team's willingness to do the dirty work that kept Barstool in the game. Eric Hubbs was relentless on defense, and on the other side of the ball he was an offensive rebounding machine. Meanwhile players like John Rich were living out Rico Bosco's wet dream by drawing charges on back to back possessions. Mariano even brought her own petty tactic of making a fart noise during the opposing team's free throw shots, which the opponent referred to as, disgusting

This is when the game got chippy. An opposing player from team Blue Ballers, who contributed nothing to his team, started mouthing off to multiple Barstool players. When the verbal jabs were thrown at Dana Beers before shooting a pair of free throws, Beers was having none of it. Beers took time to stop and point at every member of Blue Ballers on the court to say, "you can talk shit", but when he got to the player who was bringing nothing to the table, he simply told him, "but you can't talk shit." It was an embarrassing verbal undressing that was the reverse of the half baked moment where he tells everyone to fuck off. 

Shit talk in basketball is fine, but this opposing player reminded me of someone who says something stupid, and instead of shutting up, they double down on saying something else that's even more stupid because quitting and admitting you were wrong would look well, stupid. That moment and a few instances where a player on the other team, who happened to be the biggest guy on the court at approximately 6'7'', was flopping in the paint like Rico Bosco, made the remainder of the 2nd half extremely tense.  

The score was 31-29 Barstool, and that's when the tension in the gym hit a crescendo. Marty Mush got stripped at the top of the key, and in an attempt to stop the fast break bucket, chased down the ball carrier. An exhausted Marty Mush made a basketball play, but gave up the And 1, while busting open his own lip. The Barstool bench fell silent with concern for Mush who remained down on the ground. With blood flowing, Marty got up and admitted that the contact was his fault. Unfortunately Mush would have to sit out a whistle to stop the bleeding, and after a made free throw, Blue Ballers were leading 32-31. 

That's when the ref yelled, "We need a sub." As one of the two players on the bench, Tommy Smokes immediately seized the opportunity by rushing to the scorer's table to check in, only to be called back by Coach Kennedy. "What are you doing, you idiot? Gia, get in there." 

After fruitless possessions by both teams, Mush was able to check back into the game with about a 45 seconds left and down a point. 

When the team was down and needed a basket to take the lead, who did they turn to? The team's superstar. The man who averaged a double double in high school, Mr. 10 and 10, Dana Beers. 

Beers drove to the hoop and was fouled. With the score 32-31, Beers could essentially win the game by hitting both. Unfortunately, it has been well documented that Beers has the yips on free throws this season. Through two games he is shooting a Shaq like 50%.

When Beers stepped to the line, the gym was completely silent. The bench threw their hands over their eyes, but like a bad car accident, they couldn't look away, forcing themselves to watch through their fingers. 

The shot first shot went up. Nothing but net. Tie game. 32-32. 

The second shot went up. Bricked off the back of the rim. Blue Ballers get the rebound. 8 seconds left. Time out Blue Ballers.

The final possession was an incredible team effort from a group of individuals that looked absolutely gassed. With lockdown defense, John Rich was able to tip the ball out of bounds with 1.8 seconds left on the clock. After textbook defense on the inbound pass, the opposing team was unable to get even get a shot off before the clock expired. No overtime in this carnival of a rec league, tie game, final score 32-32. 

Barstool didn't come away with the win, but the team learned they can still compete with a roster held together by baling wire and bubble gum. But it wasn't missing players that cost them putting a W in the win column, tt simply came down to free throws. Championship teams hit their free throws, so if Barstool wants to make a run at the coveted rec league basketball championship, they may have to practice … or resort to drastic measures. 


Would a free throw guru like Mantis be able to teach the team the art of the free throw heave? Or, is this a mental issue that could be fixed through hypnosis? The problem has been identified, it's now on team Barstool to execute. 

scheduling note spring league sucks for basketball fans. This was the second game of the season that went up against a massive college basketball game. Last week was Iowa vs LSU in the elite 8, and tonight was UConn vs Purdue in the national championship. I understand we've got to get the games in, but you'd think the people who are playing in a rec league would at least want to have off for the championship game? Oh well, got home with 10 minutes to go in first half. Shout out 9:20pm start times that everyone hates.