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Top 5 Worst Pains a Man Can Go Through

Isai Hernandez. Shutterstock Images.

Hey guys. Today is one of those days when you walk into the office and it's an absolute ghost town. I look to my right and see nothing but black desks that have no electrical circuits in them, so you can't really use them for more than an hour. I look to my left and see the same fragile sticker on this box that hasn't moved an inch since we got to the new office, but I don't mind it; it keeps me grounded.

It pains me to walk in here and not see anybody. I know everyone is in Arizona where they play the national championship for that rigged-ass sport called basketball, but still, I miss my guys, and girls too. There's no doubt about it, I'm a vibes guy, and walking into an empty office is clearly not a vibe. In fact, it's quite frightening. I literally started writing this blog so I would stop talking to myself.

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I'm not going to lie; everything you just read was completely pointless. I just wanted to spew to someone since I have no one to talk to. So without further ado, here are my Top 5 Worst Pains a Man Can Go Through:

1. Kidney Stones & Kick in The Sack

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Don't worry, the rest of this list won't be this casual, but both of these deserve a spot on this roster. I've never passed a kidney stone, but everyone who has has nothing but horror stories to say about it. Rumor has it that it's more painful than giving birth, which, if you're a woman, sucks to hear because now you can't flex your 'pain tolerance.' Who knew passing a stone out of your dick would hurt more than an 8-pound baby coming out of your vagina? City Boys up 1-0. 

As someone who has never passed a kidney stone, I've sure had my fair share of dick kicks. Nothing, and I mean nothing, breaks a man more than a kick in the dick. Like, why did God have to make our nuts so sensitive? Every other nut in the world has a hard shell around it, and we just have a saggy sack of skin to hold them together. That next evolution's gonna hit different; I want my sack to be protected like a turtle shell. 

You can bite all you want baby, but those nuts won't break. Ok, let me stop.

2. Taking a Condom Off

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I think I snapped on this one. For the record, I think condoms are lame as fuck. They suck, it takes all the fun out of fucking. It's like going down a water slide in one of those blow up balls that people use to ram into each other during the intermission of a hockey game. BUT, sometimes you don't have a choice, once she hits you with the, "wE'rE n0t hAviNg SeX uNleSs y0u pUt a c0nDom on" you just have to take it on the chin and see it through my boy. Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is, taking a condom off after you just shot out a potential NFL Hall of Famer into some lubricated latex is painful! I can't describe it, but I know, that the boys know, exactly what I'm talking about. 

3. She Tell You to Go Deeper but it's All You Got

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Nothing you can do about it, pimp. She just be messing with some bigger dudes. Everyone knows the rules: You get what you get, and you don't get upset. Now, there are some exceptions to the rules. For example, if you got whiskey dick and managed to stimulate enough blood to get you inside the gates of heaven, I'd say that's a win. And if she tells you to go deeper, you tell her you can't, this is all I got, but if we run it back in the morning, I got you. But, that's the only exception, if you hitting that stone cold sober and she tells you to go deeper and you can't, but her back on her back. Lmfaooo I'm so out of pocket. 

4. Parlay Loses on Last Leg

Depending on where you are in your gambling career, this is either 1000% on your list or it doesn't sniff the top 5. Although this is my list, it's not in my top 5. Once you've been in this game long enough, you don't even bother getting excited when your 5-teamer comes down to the last leg. The last leg will always be your favorite pick of the night, so you also straight bet it, just so you can watch them get curb stomped by 25 points. After a while, you just get used to it, but if you're new to the game, losing the lay on the last play is hands down a top 5 worst pain. Trust me, I've been there. You're all excited, you just threw the 100 bucks your mom gave you to buy gas for your car that's been running on E for a week on a 5-team lay, the first four hit, your dick is harder than a rock, you're already thinking about what you're going to do with the winnings, and then boom, you get shit on. Welcome to the big leagues, kid.

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5. Getting a Bad Haircut

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We've all been there. In fact, I believe it's happened to so many of us that we were born with an instinct that tells us this guy just fucked my shit up. Even when the barber spins your chair so you can't see that he fucked up, us guys can just feel it, and there's NOTHING you can do about it. You just have to sit there and take your beating like a man. I wish I had the balls to tell the guy "this cut fucking sucks I shouldn't have to pay for this bullshit" but I don't. So I hit him with that white people smile, you know the one that we do when we walk past a stranger, and then I tell him "yeah it looks good" as I walk back to my car praying on his downfall. Safe to say I wasn't posting a selfie on my story anytime soon. 

Well, that's my top 5. Let me know yours in the comments below!

Oh wait. Honorary mention: Swamp Ass



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  GAMBLING PROBLEM? CALL 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426-2537). 
  (AZ/CO/IA/IL/IN/KS/KY/LA/MD/ME/MI/NC/NJ/OH/OR/PA/N/VA/VT/WV/WY), (800) 327-5050 or visit gamblinghelplinema.org (MA). 
  Call 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY). Please Gamble Responsibly. 
  Call 1-800-522-4700 (NH), 888-789-7777/visit ccpg.org (CT), or visit www.1800gambler.net (WV). 
  21+ (18+ KY/NH/WY). Physically present in AZ/CO/CT/IL/IN/IA/KS/KY/LA(select parishes)/MA/MD/ME/MI/NC/NJ/NY/OH/PA/TN/VANT/WV/WY only. 
  Void in ONT/OR/NH. Eligibility restrictions apply. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino & Resort (KS). Valid 1 per new customer. 
  Min. $5 deposit. Min. $5 bet. $150 issued as bonus bets that expire 7 days (168 hours) after being awarded. 
  Bonus bets must be wagered 1x before any resulting cash winnings can be withdrawn and stake is not included in winnings. 
  Ends 04/14/24 at 11:59 PM ET. Sponsored by DK. See terms at dkng.co/bball.