Thinking About How I'd Kill People If I was A Viking In 800AD Has Been Consuming My Life
Over the last few years, I've gotten really into Vikings. I think some of that is because I am now 41 years old and I'm a firm believe that at 40, you have to decide if you're going to be a HUGE WW2 head, pyramid researcher, or a Viking aficionado. Don't get me wrong, I've researched and know a little about all three. I've interviewed about a dozen or so veterans of WW2. Some of those include Medal of Honor recipients, nazi prisoners of war, multiple purple heart recipients, and Arial gunners who flew over the beaches of Normandy. They were remarkable men who were fierce. I loved talking to each and every one.
Advertisement
I also have enjoyed getting into the pyramids and how those fuckers were made. In fact, I had a conversation with my neighbor buds last night. We settled on the fact that there is simply no way they were rolled on logs but other than that, we couldn't really come up with a good idea. Pyramids. Fascinating.
Vikings though. Vikings are a different breed for me right now. For instance, the goat Ragnar Lothbrook. This dude makes me fucking hard.
Ragnar Lothbrook was this Viking badass back in the day. He was all about sailing the seas, raiding villages, and grabbing that loot or booty from the dastardly Christ priests and Saxons. He was stealing silver candlesticks, crosses, and anything else the Christ Priests had. Love it. But he wasn't just about swinging axes and taking shit. He was a brilliant tactician too. He'd come up with these slick plans to take over new lands and become king.
As the Saxons became more and more aware of Viking tactics, they would place huge ropes or chains in the water to stop the boats from being oared upriver. Ragnar was ready for that though. He figured out how to catch the large chains with a long pole that had a hook on the end. They would grab the rope or chain, lift it, and the sleek, killing boats would cruise under it and then cruise to an easy dub.
Ragnar wasn't short on sex either. The dude spread his seed all over Frankia, Ireland, Norway, Northumbria, and Greenland. There were tons of little bastards roaming around the North with the last name of Ragnarson. Legend. Cream pies everywhere.
Ragnar wasn't just about the fighting and romance. He had these sons who were like a whole squad of troublemakers. They kept his legacy alive, stirring up chaos wherever they went. The stories go on and on and I simply cannot get enough.
Advertisement
I'm reading this series right now about Vikings - I wont say what it is because I don't want you fuckers to spoil it for me- and the way that they kill people makes me hard. Their primary weapons were these.
1. Axes: Vikings were famous for their brutal axe attacks. They'd swing those bad boys with serious force, aiming to cleave through armor and bone alike. With a sharp axe in hand, they could hack and slash their foes into submission. Plus, they could hook opponents' shields with the blade's sharp edge, yanking them off balance before delivering a final blow. As soon as the back portion of the axe swung into the face of a saxon, them shits would rip open and teeth would go flying all over the place.
2. Shields: For Vikings, shields weren't just for defense. Nope. Vikings used them to bash and slam into their enemies, knocking them off balance or even breaking bones and faces. They'd also use their shields to push opponents back, creating openings for their comrades to strike with spears or axes. In tight formations, they'd lock shields together to form an impenetrable wall, advancing steadily while protected from enemy attacks especially attacks using arrows and falling rocks over the walls of cities.
3. Swords: Swords were like the Vikings' trusty sidekicks. They'd slash and stab with precision, aiming for vulnerable spots in their enemies' armor or going straight for the throat. With a well-crafted sword, a Viking warrior could quickly dispatch foes in close combat. Plus, they'd sometimes use the swords in combination with their shields, delivering quick strikes while staying defensively sound. The only thing with a sword is that you needed to be rich or a person with a strong reputation for killing to have one. They weren't cheap so they cost more hack silver than most warriors had. So, if you saw someone with a sword, you better get the fuck out. Ragnar has two swords and didn't use a shield. Fucking legend.
Advertisement
Knowing that, I think I would be an axe guy. Not just a regular ax though. Back in my earlier days, I was strong as fuck. I could lift the moon and swing that axe with the best of them. Id want a double-sided axe. They were feared upon sight and people knew that they were likely to die and meet Odin in his great hall in Valhalla. Odin willing, we should all be so lucky as to dine and fight with the gods.