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Preparing Your Asshole For A 100-Mile Bike Ride Is More Painful Than Being Shot

Giphy Images.

Moving from Texas to Chicago has brought about a shit ton of changes in my life. I don't live on nearly an acre property anymore so I'm much closer to each neighbor. When I was moving, I thought that I would hate that. For my entire adult life, I've lived and owned houses with a decent lot size. Moving here has been very different from anything I've had previously. I'm pretty sure I saw my neighbor's old tits the other day. I screamed in horror. Close houses are not for the faint of heart. There's no doubt about that. 

Tighter quarters come with more conversations with my neighbors. I didn't know a single neighbor's name in my last spot. I knew that there was an older lady who wore nothing but flowing moomoos and stood out in the yard with her big tits swinging in the wind while nearly touching her navel. Truly remarkably sized knockers no matter how long and thin they were. Like uninflated bike tire tubes. But, I never spoke to her save for basic pleasantries.

"Hi. Good morning. Nice tits." Things like that. 

One of the major differences between Texas and Chicago is that this place is infinitely more bikeable. There are bike lanes of all types. There are elevated, curb-protected, and regular road-adjacent bike paths all over the city. It's awesome. The city is also widely flat so there's no elevation. I rode for 12 miles this weekend and the elevation was 88 feet. The temperature is obviously very different too. Riding in Texas feels like you are riding with a hot blow dryer spewing heat directly into your eyes and nose. It was simply not an enjoyable activity there. 

Chicago is different in that regard. 

Last year in the summer and well into winter, I rode my e-bike to work every day. This year, the office moved and I'd have to ride through some not-so-pleasant neighborhoods so I'm not sure if I'll do that or not. Probably not because I'm a huge pussy at this point in my life. I also got hit by a car last summer so that was kinda shitty but we can get over that. Pish posh.

That brings us to now. My good new pals that are in my neighborhood have invited me on a bike ride. That bad boy is 100 miles and you gotta ride a road bike. Now, don't get me wrong. I would have loved to ride my trusty e-bike. I could be cruising without a care in the world, but, alas, that won't work for this race. So, I purchased a road bike. 

Two weekends ago, I went out for my first voyage on the new bike. I've never ridden a road bike so I was shocked at how much faster it was than a regular mountain bike. I was cruising with ease. Riding in and out of major roads was easy peasy. Taking long strides and pumping the ole legs lit a fire in my belly. Last week, I did a little bit longer of a ride and came to one conclusion. 

My asshole has never taken punishment like it did because of one thing. The seat.

bergamont. Getty Images.

That's not the actual seat or "saddle" as they call it in the biz, but it's similar. Those shits are so damn skinny! The thin seat darts and hides in the inner portion of my ass crack, not the hole though, and rubs me up and down in a way that I simply do not enjoy. I know I gotta ride it a ton more in order for everything to get all leathered but this process is horrible. 

Which brings me to my point. 

How on earth are there not better seats for road bikes? Why do we have to endure such ass crack trauma in order to ride these things? Is no one working on this technology to make bike seats both sleek and comfortable? Am I poor because I'm using a stock saddle? I hope not. 

I got the shorts with the little ass pad in them but that doesn't really do a whole bunch. I went to the bike shop and the woman there looked at me like I was a pussy for asking about it, but what else can you do? My ass hurts!

Truth be known, I was born with a shitty ass. There's no mistake about that. There hasn't been one person, regardless of sexual orientation, who has ever commented positively on my ass. I've never heard, "damn chaps. Do you shit with that thing" or "I'd like to bury my face betwixt those tiny mounds of ham." I know this is fucked up in some circles, but I'm dying to be sexually harassed about my butt. It'll never happen though which was hard for me to come to terms with but there's nothing we can do about it. 

Do you need to have a dump truck for these rides? My friends all have decent dumpers so it might not be a problem for them, but with this thing I'm dragging, we will need to take breaks. Someone will also need to slather up my crack with like an anal oral gel because, just like when your teeth's roots are exposed, I need something to block this pain or at the very least mask it. If not, I will regrettably have to take a garden gummy to numb all of my senses. I think your ass crack is a sense in the truest sense of the word. 

Pray for my asshole. 100 miles is gonna leave that thing looking like an old pile of wet, thin leather. Not good! 

PS: If you're riding a bike, might I recommend this for some casual listening…